How to Get There from Here
by boysmom5
Summary: Oh, you can change the summary. Good. Anyway, this takes place between the end of We're off to See the Wizard and the end of Over the Limit. The real reason behind Lee's insomnia.
1. Chapter 1--Book Burning

**This first chapter could very well be a "what if" or A/U. It's been over 20 years since I watched an episode from the fourth season so this subject might have been dealt with differently in an actual episode. The rest should stay within cannon. **

Chapter 1-Book Burning

Lee sat cross legged in front of his fireplace watching the flames as their pointed tongues flicked upward. He breathed deeply and the resulting sigh was somewhere between remorse and resignation. He worked again to push the thought of the neat pile only inches away from the hand he leaned on for support, as the other hand held a glass of Scotch on the Rocks. The pile was certainly the 800-lb gorilla in the room, but he just wasn't ready to acknowledge it. The instant his mind made the slightest move in that direction, he could see Amanda's face, her look of disappointment. He didn't want to think about it. He had come so close to something he had only realized recently that he wanted badly. To admit now that it was forever out of his reach might be too much.

He shook his head and snorted in disgust. He'd been fooling himself. When had he started this little charade with his psyche? Over the summer? He'd looked for excuses to have Amanda around, even going so far as to request her "help" on an extended assignment in West Germany in July. He could have handled it with the agents in country but he'd told Billy that Amanda's "unique insights" would prove useful. He wasn't sure if Billy really believed him, the silence before Lee heard Billy's reply seemed longer than should be expected in a normal overseas call, but Billy had agreed and Amanda was on a flight to Bonn the next day. It was with great relief that Lee watched Amanda disembark 15 hours later. Her mere smile a balm to his tired soul.

Lee thought further. No, it was before that. Maybe when Amanda had left The Agency to work for Byron Jordan? That had certainly been a wake up call. The idea that she wouldn't be around had forced him to realize he'd been taking certain things for granted. He understood her need to provide for her family, and had actually been proud of her ability to land such an important job, but it had taken all of his agency training to walk away with nothing more than a smile and a, "See you around." No one was happier than he when Amanda was offered her old job back, and accepted.

He closed his eyes as he thought over the past year. In hindsight it seemed as if each assignment, each encounter, with Amanda, drew him closer to her. The stress & guilt over his actions during his "burn out" case had made him more cautious in his behavior toward her. Lee might not understand a lot, but he knew he never wanted Amanda to look at him like that again. A chill went through him as he pushed that memory aside. He thought of a better memory, seeing Amanda walk into Billy's office the morning he'd read her obituary. Lee had wanted so much to tell her of his fear he'd experienced and his relief when he'd discovered the truth. Instead he guarded his emotions and went with her to the grocery store to help her out, knowing he'd gladly have done almost anything she'd asked of him at that moment.

He thought of when she'd been drugged when she ate a sandwich meant for him, his desperation to find a way to cure her before it was too late. Barely a month before that he'd pulled her from the ledge of a construction site based only on three little words, "Oh my gosh." He'd known which Amanda was the real deal, and when he'd looked in her eyes as she shivered in his arms, he knew there could be no doubt. That feeling he always had when he looked into their depths was there. It hadn't been with the fake Amanda. Amanda's eyes were just something no one could pretend to copy. Even earlier, the feeling of incredulity at the accusations against her in the Spiderweb case had heightened his awareness of his loyalty to her.

How had it come to this point? The walls he had so carefully constructed since his parents had died, the solid fortress around his heart, had somehow come down. But when? How? He had always been so careful. Each time he felt just the slightest loosening of a brick, he worked overtime on the repairs, pushing the offending party away with his practiced gruff exterior, cruel words, or callous dismissals. When had that stopped with Amanda? Why was it that whenever they had an argument he now felt the need to make things right between them? Why did he take her out for coffee, or hover under her kitchen window until he knew she was alone and could talk? When had he ever been interested in just talking with a woman as beautiful as Amanda?

He realized, as he now thought about it, that she had somehow worked past those walls, come up inside them, and torn them down from within. In fact, he'd have to admit that over the past year he had gladly helped her. Finally, Lee smiled as he settled on the moment he'd been looking for. The instant that first brick had been not just pushed slightly out of place, but, he acknowledged to himself, completely knocked out of the wall and broken on the ground below.

"Do you have any place to go on Thanksgiving?"

They were at the top of the steps at the Jefferson Memorial. Lee was doing his damnedest to lose this annoying woman who seemed insistent on asking him all the questions he avoided.

"Never a Mrs. Spy? No little spies?"

Everyone knew better than to ask Scarecrow what he was doing for any holiday. He was working. He'd always worked on all the holidays. He attended the office Christmas party only when he couldn't get himself an overseas assignment and Billy threatened him.

He'd thought briefly, "What does she care?" And he bantered with her until, for some unknown reason he'd told her in a round about way what had happened to his last partner. Lee had been shocked at his self-betrayal. Later he would chalk it up to the belief that he would never see her again. Now he believed that it was because, even then, he could sense her care and concern for him.

After that she was able to take out other small portions of his fortress. A brick here, a few there, a huge section as he carried her limp body down the stairs of James Delano's mansion. He'd tried so hard to rebuild. He sometimes even felt frantic. He'd use every opportunity to lash out at her. Every slight mistake on her part was an excuse to push her back outside his defenses, where she belonged. But then...

Lee paused to steady himself at his next memory. The hand holding his glass of scotch trembled slightly as he recalled an event he'd thought about far too much lately. Taking a deep breath and inwardly chastising himself for letting his thoughts take him anywhere near this emotional land-mine, he stared back into the fire and he indulged, for what he told himself would be the last time. He could feel the breeze on his face. The smell of the ocean air was easily recalled. The tropical birds, the waves crashing against the shore somewhere beyond the trees, all these had faded into the background as Lee lifted the veil over Amanda's head. A thousand thoughts and fears assailed Lee's mind until his lips touched hers and they were all scattered to the wind. For that instant, unlike any other moment, there was nothing else, no one else. It was such a gentle kiss, but Lee had never been so affected. He didn't want the feeling to end and joined his lips to hers again, albeit briefly. When she had reached up to wipe the lipstick off his lips he had given her fingers a kiss as if to communicate his need for more.

And this was as far as he usually bothered to remember. He had been indulging in a fantasy, he realized now. He'd neglected the reality of the rest of the story. Lee had been upset with Francine when, upon returning to the real world of The Agency, she'd been the one to blurt out the truth of Lee's solution to the marriage problem to Amanda. He'd hoped to speak with Amanda privately to see if he could gauge her feelings about what had happened at the ceremony. Was he the only one who'd felt whatever it was he was certain had passed between them? Now, he knew, her response was what he really should have been thinking of all these months. It was obvious at the time she hadn't felt what he had. Her response was rational and professional. And now he understood why.

Lee brought his glass to his lips and threw back his head as he swallowed the rest of the watered down scotch. Setting the glass beside him, he gathered all the courage he had and reached over for the stack of four black books. He recalled with revulsion a time, not so long ago, when opening one of these books and perusing them, considering which "treat" he was in the mood for that day or the coming weekend, gave him what he thought then to be a wonderful feeling. But Amanda had shown him something different, a different way to think about women, a different way to think about himself. What he wanted was attainable, just not with her.

"Um, there are four."

He'd given a weak apologetic grimace to Amanda, to which she replied with a shrug of her shoulders as she turned her face away from him. That one act had brought Lee painfully back to reality. His eyes had been opened to what he was. And more importantly, they had been opened to what a woman like Amanda deserved. She deserved better than some playboy who used women for his own gratification, who collected their names in address books and wrote little notes about his trysts so he could "remember" them in case he wanted to use them again in the future.

Now he opened the top book to the first page.

'A'

'Allison Grey.'

Lee groaned. He didn't even list them by their last name as would be expected in a normal address book. He looked at his special "shorthand" he'd come up with to remind him that she looked good in lace, she liked Martinis, and she preferred to leave after they were "done" instead of staying until morning.

In the margin to the right of the entry he saw in Amanda's feminine penmanship, "Left message on answering machine." Seeing her handwriting in this chronicle of his selfishness cut through Lee's heart in a way he'd never thought possible. Over the two years he'd worked with her he'd tried to protect her from a lot of things, but never this. This one thing he'd had complete control over, he had at times paraded in front of her. He recalled chastising her in an Austrian jail cell for ruining his plans with Gillian. He wouldn't let up. He'd been cruel when she was in distress.

Lee ripped the page out of the book, crumpled it in his fist, then threw it into the fireplace. He watched as it caught fire and quickly tuned to ash.

Page 2.

Rip.

Crumple.

She had never been cruel to him.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 3.

Rip.

Crumple.

He had taken her for granted so many times.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 4.

Rip.

Crumple.

She was always grateful for any small kindness.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 5.

Rip.

Crumple.

How could he ever have thought she would want someone like him?

Toss.

Burn.

Page 6.

Rip.

Crumple.

Amanda deserved a man who was unselfish.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 7.

Rip.

Crumple.

Amanda deserved a man who could treat her like the amazing woman she was.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 8.

Rip.

Crumple.

Amanda deserved better than him.

Toss.

Burn.

It was nearly dawn by the time he completed what slowly became a ritual burning. Exhausted, he walked into his room, removed all his clothes, save his blue boxers, and crawled into the bed he hadn't shared with a woman in over half a year. He'd tried after the trip to San Angelo. His last ditch effort had been with Randi, a voluptuous blond who should have done everything Lee always enjoyed. Instead he found her dull and vapid. Her kisses left much to be desired and she never felt right in his arms. He compared each moment they were together to that brief time in San Angelo with Amanda during which something had shaken him to the core and she accomplished what no other woman, no other person, had ever been able to do. She tamed him. Her calming influence that had slowly become so useful to him in his job had worked its way into his personal life and now had altered him forever. In this he felt a great contentment. His only sadness was that Amanda could never feel the way for him that he felt for her. But now he knew what to look for. Now he could find someone unlike the women he'd wasted his life with. Amanda had shown him. He could at least be grateful for that, he thought as he closed his eyes and drifted off into a restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2--Sleepless in DC

**A/N: Many thanks to everyone for the reviews and follows. I appreciate them greatly. If any blatant typos are found, please inform me. I use Evernote on my mini and the spellcheck has somehow turned off I have no idea how to fix this. Just a warning about this chapter: Lee is kissing the wrong person. ;)**

The next morning Lee wasn't expected in until later so he took his time after such a sleepless night. As he sat at the table, practicing his morning ritual of coffee and newspaper, he thought through his next move. For a moment his thoughts drifted to Amanda. He felt a brief pang in his chest before he stuffed the feeling down where it belonged.

No, he chastised himself mentally. He wasn't going to think about Amanda that way again. There were other women like her in the world. She'd shown him that, opened his eyes to a world he thought he'd only imagined. The world he knew before his parents had died. One filled with family and warmth and laughter and houses with white picket fences. He smiled and shook his head. If anyone who knew him could read his mind they might think he'd been brainwashed.

He thought back to another woman he'd been thinking of this morning. He'd met her at a UN function when he was in New York a few weeks earlier. Looking across the room to the telephone, Lee hesitated only a moment before walking over and placing a call the mutual friend who'd introduced them. Karl was hesitant when Lee had asked.

"She's really not the type of woman you normally run around with," he'd explained.

"That's not what I'm interested in anymore," Lee said, and quietly grinned at the stunned silence at the other end of the line.

In the end, Karl had passed her work number to him reticently. Lee wasted no time. When he had met Leslie he'd thought how different she was. Their small-talk led them from work to family. She wasn't loud or brash. She didn't come on to him or hang all over him. It had been a pleasant 30 minutes. After his epiphany regarding Amanda, he was excited to start on a real relationship. The situation with Amanda aside, Lee was never the type to dance around a task, preferring instead to jump in with both feet. Life was short. He'd learned growing up in the military that if you wasted time you'd get shipped off somewhere else before you were able to finish what you wanted. Working at The Agency only re-inforced that belief.

Lee called and left a message with Leslie's secretary, then went to work.

Whistling as he walked into the Georgetown foyer, he gave Mrs Marsden the password then accepted his badge with a wink and a smile. The older woman almost imperceptibly raised an eyebrow causing Lee to chuckle as he took the stairs to the Q Bureau two at a time.

He was humming as he walked into the office. Amanda was already there, standing before an open filing drawer, her hands full of papers as she looked for the appropriate spot for each. She looked up and smiled at Lee and he felt the familiar warmth wash over him.

"You're in a good mood this morning," Amanda said, with a slight laugh.

"And why shouldn't I be?" he replied smiling back at her.

He walked over to the coffee maker and began to pour himself a cup. He opened his mouth to tell her about Leslie, but he'd found no words would come out. This was neither the time or place, he quickly reasoned and instead asked her to lunch. She smiled and accepted, then finished her filing and returned downstairs to the bullpen, leaving Lee alone, the latter trying not to think of how the office, which had just felt like the proverbial "happiest place on earth," now felt somewhat hollow.

Lee had fully intended to tell Amanda about Leslie at lunch. He knew she'd be thrilled when he explained what Leslie was like, told her what he knew about Leslie's family. This was the "normal" of which Amanda always spoke. He knew it was what she wanted for him. But somehow he didn't get around to mentioning Leslie. He just could never find a place in the conversation to fit it in. Besides, he thought, what if she doesn't call back? That might be embarrassing. Later he would tell Amanda, after, or rather, if Leslie called and agreed to a date.

When he arrived home the light on his machine was blinking, something it rarely did nowadays. He pressed the playback button and found that Leslie had returned his call. She was apparently in town and left her hotel number. Lee called her back right away, and while she sounded surprised, she accepted his invitation to dinner that night. An hour later found Lee walking into Leslie's hotel lobby. He felt like he was on cloud nine. And when he saw Leslie he wondered if there couldn't be a cloud 10 or 11. She was in a beautiful blue dress. It wasn't slinky or provocative, as all the other women he'd dated would have worn. Its conservative cut, with its long sleeves and higher neck, appealed to Lee in ways they never would have only a few months ago. She had finished off the look with a simple string of pearls. Momentarily Lee had to shake off an odd feeling of déjà vu and thoughts of fast food chicken, though he couldn't think why.

Dinner at the hotel's restaurant had been everything Lee hoped and after dessert Lee walked Leslie to the elevator. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. She smiled and Lee felt, well, he thought he felt warm. Didn't he? He ignored the question and made plans with Leslie for lunch the next day. After all, she was only going to be in town for the week. He had to make the most of it.

He watched as Leslie entered the elevator and waved goodbye before the doors closed and she made the ascent to her floor. As the valet pulled the 'Vette around Lee thought briefly of going to see Amanda. It was only 10pm. The boys would be in bed, maybe he could talk with her about Leslie tonight. No, he couldn't keep her up for that. She was busy and needed her rest. He'd talk to her tomorrow, maybe at lunch. No, he grimaced, he'd invited Leslie to lunch. Well, maybe tomorrow night he'd stop by and they could chat.

That night, Lee rolled over in a sleepless fit to stare at the clock again. 2:08.

"Great," he mocked himself. "You've been able to keep your eyes closed for five minutes."

Grumbling and kicking off the covers, he climbed out of bed and padded into his living room. He was about to head to the bar when he recalled that Amanda swore by warm milk to help her sleep. He'd never tried it but, since it was a work night, he thought it might be preferred. In the kitchen he took a mug out of his cupboard, poured in the milk, and proceeded to heat it in the microwave. Taking it out of the machine, he carried it back into the living room. He sat on the sofa and slowly let the warm liquid sooth him. He was half finished with it when he started to feel relaxed enough to maybe finally sleep. Laying his head back on the sofa, he closed his eyes and slowly drifted off.

In his dream Lee found himself in Leslie's hotel lobby. He saw her across the room in her blue dress and went to her. He was only mildly surprised when he got to her and found she was actually Amanda. He took her hands in his and said, "You look fabulous." Then he leaned in to kiss her gently. The kiss was just like the one at their "wedding" in San Angelo. The feelings it evoked in Lee were powerful. But suddenly the scene shifted and he saw Amanda sprawled on a bed, unconscious. He was desperate to get to her. He had to save her. He saw the East German agent laughing at him. Lee tried to move but his legs were like tree trunks firmly rooted. The laughing agent walked over slowly and shut the door to the room in Lee's face. He heard Amanda scream.

Waking in a panic, Lee found himself on the floor between the sofa and the coffee table. He worked to control his ragged breathing as he stared at the ceiling.

"What was that about?" he wondered aloud. The dress, he thought. Leslie's dress had reminded him of the dress Amanda had worn to James Delano's party that night she... Lee cut off his thoughts. It was never a good thing to think of that night.

Going back to his room he saw it was now nearly 3:30. He crawled into his bed and tried to fall back to sleep, but he only dozed intermittently before giving up at 6am. Stumbling out of bed and into the shower he hoped the spray of water would stimulate him enough to get him moving. Finishing, he toweled himself off, put on his robe, and headed to the kitchen for some much needed coffee. He sat down at the table to wait for the pot to brew. Slowly his eyes began to drift shut. He snapped them open but something seemed different. He looked over to the coffee machine and saw that the carafe was full. He wondered how long he'd slept. Then his eyes turned to the clock on the microwave.

"9 o'clock!" he exclaimed loudly. "How did that happen?"

That morning he had bounded up the front steps to The Agency in a panic. It had been a very long time since he'd been late for work. He chastised himself for the hundredth time. Entering the foyer, he spat out the password to Mrs Marsden who this time shook her head noticeably as she handed him his badge. He ignored that and made quick work of the stairs to the Q Bureau. Just as he put his hand on the knob to open the door, it was ripped from him and he stood face to face with Amanda.

"Amanda!" he snapped.

She looked surprised and, apologizing, she stepped back to allow him to enter the office.

"Everything OK?" she asked quietly as he sat down in his chair.

"Everything's fine!" he snapped at her again.

There was a pause before she said, "I was worried. It's so unlike you to be late without at least calling to let me know."

If Lee had been given a million years, he'd never have been able to come up with an explanation for what he did next.

"Yeah?" he bit out. "Since when do I have to answer to you?"

He looked up at her angrily and his breath caught in his throat. Her eyes were wide with shock and surprise. She looked so much like she did that time at Nedlinger's. That time he'd sworn to never let happen again.

She lowered her eyes and without a word turned to leave.

"Oh, god, Amanda," he jumped from his chair and practically leaped across the room to intercept her before she could walk out the door.

"Amanda," his voice was pleading. "I'm so sorry."

He wanted to touch her, pull her to him in an embrace, but he cold only stand next to her and stare helplessly.

"It's OK," she said, her eyes never lifting to his face.

"No it's not," he clenched his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms. Why couldn't he bring himself to touch her?

"Amanda," he continued. "You're my partner, and my friend."

She looked up at him and forced a smile. He saw her fight back tears.

"Oh, Amanda," Lee said in almost a whisper. He brought his right hand up toward her face but he stopped and it hovered in mid-air. "Please, please forgive me."

His eyes pleaded and if he had to get down on his knees and beg, he would.

Her face softened visibly and her smile became sincere. The look she always had for him, the one filled with trust and something else he couldn't yet identify, returned. Lee found he could breath again. The vise that had tightened around his chest loosened and the pounding in his head subsided.

"Of course, Lee," she said.

They stood in the doorway for what seemed like an eternity but the blink of an eye simultaneously. Lee didn't want to turn his eyes from hers. They gazed into each others eyes like lovers until a feeling slowly began to take over Lee and the desire to lean in and kiss Amanda became apparent to him. He mentally shook himself out of his reverie. No, Amanda didn't want this. He wouldn't force himself on her. He needed to stay in control and stop thinking about her like that. She deserved better.

"Thank you," he finally said. And with that he broke the moment. Amanda returned to the bullpen downstairs and Lee continued shuffling his paperwork until lunch.

He saw her again on his way to his car for lunch. She was leaving for the day and he told her he'd see her tomorrow. Driving to lunch he thought again how wonderful it was to have a friend like Amanda.

Lee had had a wonderful lunch with Leslie. He just couldn't believe how well they were hitting things off. He liked everything about her, from her gentle voice, to her unpretentious ways. She was a translator for the UN, had travelled all over the world, met all the important dignitaries, yet to hear her talk about it you would think her work was no different than any other person's work. She had a sweet and kind way about her. When she spoke of the people she knew he could tell she cared for each of them. She never had a bad thing to say except that this person could at times be exasperating or that person had frustrated her a little bit but that was just the way life was. She didn't "dish the gossip" in the way his other girlfriends had, nor did she name drop to make herself sound important.

Afterward, Lee couldn't help himself but ask her to dinner that night. She looked surprised at first but then smiled and accepted. Lee felt like a teenager who'd just asked the prettiest girl to Prom and she'd accepted. This time their parting kiss lingered.

This was good, Lee thought. Really good.

At 6 that night Lee picked Leslie up. She was waiting for him by the valet station. Lee got out and opened the door for her. He took her hand in his and kissed her gently on her lips.

"I could have come up for you," he told her.

"Oh, Lee," she laughed lightly. " There's no reason for you to pay the valet just for that."

Lee shook his head as he closed the door of the Corvette. Leslie was definitely unlike any other woman he'd dated.

He'd taken her to a restaurant with a dance floor. The band was good there, he'd remembered. He had been enjoying the meal and company so thoroughly, that he'd gotten carried away with the wine. At least that's the reason he came up with early in his sleepless morning for what had happened that evening. After dinner they danced for a while, then Lee guided Leslie out onto the veranda under the guise of needing some air. It had cooled and Lee took his jacket and placed it on Leslie's shoulders. She smiled up at him.

"I'm having such a wonderful evening," she said as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Me too," he smiled back as he slowly bent his face toward hers.

Leslie had very sweet lips. They weren't...

'No,' Lee reminded himself, 'I'm not going to think about that anymore. Amanda would never want this with me.'

It couldn't possibly have been the thought of Amanda while he was kissing Leslie that suddenly made him desire more than he should have on only their third date. No, he convinced himself in the dimly lit living room at 3:30 am. It was the wine, combined with the fact he hadn't been with a woman in months.

Slowly Lee had intensified the kiss. His hands pulled Leslie gently closer. He ran his left hand slowly up her side, when he felt her shudder he worked to control his response. He pulled his hand out from under the coat and to her face, caressing her cheek then reached back to feel her hair with his fingers. He pulled away from her lips, but only to trail passionate kisses across her check and down the column of her neck. He heard her breathe his name and it was his turn to shudder. Really, it had been so long. But he didn't want to rush things. He'd learned from Amanda that there was no need. Getting to know a woman outside the bedroom could be just as evocative as inside.

Lee pulled away slightly from Leslie.

"I'm not pushing this too fast, am I?" he asked. The look in his eyes conveyed his concern that maybe this was a little too much for the third date. He'd never moved slowly. Even with women he claimed to care for like Eva and Dorothy.

Leslie just smiled at him sweetly and tilted her head slightly.

"You are such a gentleman," she said.

Lee had to laugh.

"Well, it's been a long time since someone accused me of that," Lee said, with a relieved smile.

Lee pulled Leslie into a warm embrace and pressed his lips to her temple. Sighing a contented sigh, Lee thought that this was going to be very nice.

When he returned Leslie to her hotel she again refused to let him pay the valet just so he could walk her to her room. He settled for a gentle kiss and a promise for another date the following night.

As Lee drove away he looked at the time. 11:30. Much too late to go and talk to Amanda. Tomorrow he'd ask her to lunch and then he'd tell her all about Leslie. He knew Amanda would be very happy for him and she would definitely like Leslie. Maybe if Amanda was free this weekend and Leslie had some time, they could all have lunch at that restaurant at the hotel. Yeah, that would be perfect.


	3. Chapter 3--Eavesdroppers

Chapter 3-Eavesdroppers Never Hear Any Good about Themselves

After turning off the engine Amanda sat in her car for a few moments and looked up at The Agency building. She had parked across the street this morning and could see the window of the Q Bureau from her location.

She sighed deeply and shook her head, wondering, not for the first time over the last day and night, what was going on with her partner. Amanda had been somewhat surprised Lee had not come knocking on her kitchen window or her patio door last night. She'd intentionally stayed up in the family room past midnight under the pretense of reading a "very interesting book" just so he wouldn't feel compelled to come climbing up the trellis outside her bedroom window.

That memory elicited a happy smile. Lee, claiming he had to speak to her; it couldn't possibly wait until morning. She shook her head. Just like Lee to never let something wait. He was a man with a sense of urgency in everything he did. She had realized by now that this was what compelled his late night visits. He would worry over her reaction to a difficult case and he could not wait until morning to see how she was doing. They would have an argument about a case or something petty, and even if they had apologized he would come by under some obviously made up pretense. That caused her to laugh slightly as she grabbed her purse and opened the door of the car to get into work. Lee thought he was so covert about this, but it was becoming more and more apparent that something else was going on. They had become good friends and, after their unofficial date to the Verdi festival two weeks earlier, she was almost certain they were moving toward something more.

At a break in the traffic, Amanda crossed the street then quickly climbed the steps. She smiled kindly at Mrs Marsden and said, "Good morning."

"Good morning, Mrs King," the outwardly stern receptionist replied.

"The password is 'buttercup,'" Amanda said. The days of the stress that caused her to feel so out of place at The Agency that she'd forget the word were long gone.

At the memory of those days Amanda became thoughtful. She had suspected Lee must have been under some amount of stress to lash out at her the way he had yesterday. She wondered if he would be more open to talking today. She glanced up the stairs in the foyer as she considered going to see him before starting her work in the bullpen today.

Turning back to Mrs Marsden she began to ask, "Is Mr..."

She was cut off with "Mr Stetson hasn't arrived yet."

Amanda took a slow breath and hoped the next question wouldn't make her concern obvious.

"Has he called in?"

Mrs Marsden just shook her head.

Amanda walked over to the closet lift and opened the door. As the door closed, she stared up toward the Q Bureau and wondered what was going on with her friend.

Once in the bullpen, Amanda set to her morning. After putting her purse in the drawer of her desk, she walked over to the coffee maker. Aside from prepping her own coffee, she checked to make sure there was still enough to go around the office. Making the office coffee was her least favorite job but sometimes everyone else was just too busy to remember until someone needed some. Better to make it now than have people upset about it later. Folks certainly were picky about their coffee. Seeing that one of the carafes was nearly empty she began to start a fresh pot.

Behind her she heard one of the other agents and a woman from the steno pool discussing the latest gossip. She barely listened as she measured out the coffee into the filter.

"I'm telling you, Brad, it was him," the woman whispered adamantly.

"You're crazy," Brad replied. "Everyone knows Scarecrow's taken himself off the market."

Amanda froze as the scoop of coffee grounds poured into the filter.

"Well, who's to say this isn't the woman who bridled him?" came the reply.

Brad seemed to be thinking about that. And Amanda tried desperately to listen without being conspicuous as she scooped more grounds into the coffee maker.

"You're saying you saw them together last night?" Brad asked.

There was no audible answer but Amanda assumed the woman from the steno pool nodded 'yes.'

"And you say they were cozy," Brad went on.

The woman snorted.

"Cozy? That's an understatement," Amanda heard her laugh. "More like they needed a room."

Brad laughed.

"Well, that does sound like the Scarecrow we all know," Brad said.

After that it was silent for a bit so Amanda felt she could safely assume the two had wandered back to their respective desks.

Lee. With another woman. Last night. Amanda could barely think straight. It never registered that someone had come up next to her. She almost jumped as she heard Francine's voice.

"Rough night, Amanda?" her blond adversary clucked.

Amanda was wide eyed. Was it that obvious? Did her distress show that clearly?

"You know, there's probably enough caffeine in that basket to keep you up through a weeks worth of boring PTA meetings," Francine chided.

Amanda looked at the coffee maker. The grounds were filled to overflowing.

"Oh, my gosh," she said embarrassedly.

She paused for only a second before turning and heading out the bullpen doors to the ladies' room. For a brief moment she didn't care what Francine thought.

Amanda struggled to compose herself. It had been a long time since she'd felt anywhere close to breaking down at work. She checked the stalls to make sure she was alone then turned to the mirror to check her make up. A few tears had spilled and were threatening her mascara. She reached over for a paper towel and tried to reduce the damage.

Breathing deeply she began to chastise herself. It wasn't as if Lee had ever *said* he was interested in more than friendship. Sure, there seemed to be something that night in her bedroom, but maybe he was...

'Was what, Amanda?' she asked herself harshly.

Embarrassed. That was it. He was embarrassed when he realized what he'd done. He so often acted without thinking when it came to her safety. In his rashness he'd climbed up to her room, like some lovesick Romeo. Sure it had been business he'd wanted to discuss but once that was done and his sense of urgency left him, he'd been embarrassed to see her in her nightgown.

Amanda sighed. Her nightgown. Maybe that was what had happened. Maybe he'd been thinking he was interested in more but the more he thought about her in her simple cotton nightgown the less interested he'd become. He was probably used to women in silk and sexy lace camis. From the sound of his liaison last night it certainly seemed like he'd found someone who was as opposite of Amanda as possible. Honestly, making out in public to the point where people thought you needed to get a hotel room. Amanda rolled her eyes. She thought Lee had grown beyond that.

She faced the fact that her make up was as good as it would get. At least she hadn't cried and made her eyes red and puffy. What a fool she'd appear to be if it was known she'd shed tears over the famous office Lothario.

Still, it stung. Her heart, while not broken, was indeed bruised. If she could just avoid Lee for the day, she might make it home before anything more emotional happened.

As it turned out, avoiding Lee never became a necessity. While he apparently arrived at the office, late again, he never made his way to the bullpen. At one point, Billy asked her to take some files up to the Q Bureau. After he left she passed the job along to another secretary, claiming she was just too busy with some transcriptions she wanted to finish before leaving for the day. As the woman left, Amanda went back to her task and intentionally ignored Francine's look of surprise.

Not long after, the woman returned and Amanda heard Francine mumble something about how little time it took other people to visit the Q Bureau as opposed to Amanda. But Amanda was in no mood to take up the fight and pretended to be listening to the transcript tapes. In reality, she was waiting for the phone to ring. Lee hadn't talked with her really since their fight yesterday. No, not "their fight," Amanda thought, his rudeness. She wondered, suddenly very sad about the situation, if, now that Lee was dating again, that part of his behavior would return as well. And if it did, what would the consequences be for her. She certainly wasn't going to put up with that sort of thing. She was secure in her position now and was not about to let him walk all over her again.

After that brief moment of internal bravado, Amanda returned to her earlier sadness. What did it matter if she could stand up to him? If he really had reverted to his former ways, their friendship could not continue. That thought hurt her more than any other.

She shook her head to bring herself out of the fog that was beginning to envelop her mind. No use borrowing trouble, she told herself. She had tomorrow off. Lee would probably come by to chat then, if he didn't tonight. It had been months since Lee could seem to go more than a day without talking to her.

As she returned to her work she tried to ignore a sense of deep foreboding that was creeping up in her mind and heart.

By the time Lee crawled into work after another sleepless night he felt and looked like death warmed over. Adding insult to injury, the first knock at his office door was not Amanda, but Francine.

"Oh, look what the cat finally dragged in," Francine crooned.

"Can it, Francine," Lee groused.

"Ooo, touchy these days aren't we?" Francine said.

When Lee gave her a sour look she admonished, "Now don't go thinking you can snap at me like you do your little lapdog, Amanda."

Lee looked stunned.

"Amanda?" he choked.

"Come now, don't think we'll all forget it that easily," the blond said as she set a pile of Manila folders she'd been holding on the corner of Lee's desk.

"Forget what?" Lee asked, genuinely confused at this point.

Francine laughed.

"Oh, isn't that just like the old Scarecrow we all knew and loved?"

"Francine," Lee groaned. "I don't have time for these games. Some of us do have work you know."

"I know that very well," Francine started toward the door. "That's why some of us show up on time."

"Francine," Lee barked.

Turning to him in the doorway Francine said, "Tsk, tsk, Lee. Since when do I answer to you?"

She shut the door and Lee felt the blood drain from his face. Everyone knew what he'd said to Amanda yesterday.

'Of course,' he groaned inwardly. The office door had been open. Anyone in the above ground section of the agency probably heard him, including Mrs Marsden.

Lee took several deep breaths and moved his hand toward the phone. He stopped himself though. If he called Amanda at her desk someone might overhear their conversation. Better to wait until she came up with some filing or something else. She was usually in his office once or twice a day. He always found a way to prolong her visits. Maybe he'd order something in for them at lunch. They could eat in his office then everyone would see that things were right between them again. Determining to call her in a short time and ask her to lunch, Lee set to work.

When the phone rang a short while later, he smiled. Maybe it was Amanda with a question. He could ask her to lunch now. Instead it was Leslie who said she was going to be in his neighborhood and asked him to lunch. Recalling their kiss last night, Lee found he couldn't refuse her. As he hung up he reasoned he could speak with Amanda after lunch. He really wanted to talk with her about Leslie.

At lunch Lee and Leslie talked a little about work and a little about what they each liked to do during the upcoming winter season. They shared stories of their trips to various ski resorts each had visited in Europe.

Lee looked at Leslie and smiled. She was so beautiful but not in the gaudy way his former of his girlfriends. She was saying something to him, something about a party at the Soviet Embassy.

"Lee?" Leslie asked.

"Hm."

"Did you hear me?"

"What? Oh, yeah, the Soviet Embassy," Lee said. "I'd love to join you."

He reached over the table and took her hand in his. Smiling, he recalled the last time he went to a party at the Soviet Embassy. New Year's Eve. Amanda had accompanied him. She looked beautiful. He remembered how right she felt in his arms as they danced. He remembered the way Creshenko looked at her and the jealous feelings those looks evoked. Having already imbibed a bit more than he should, Lee challenged the man vodka for vodka and ended up passing out in a bowl of borscht that was on the table in front of him. Amanda had called a cab and taken him home. When he awoke the next morning he was embarrassed to find himself in bed in only his boxers and socks. He phoned Amanda and she explained that the doorman had helped her carry Lee up to his apartment and set him on the bed. She apologized for his dress, or lack of, but said she didn't feel right just leaving him in his ruined tuxedo and he was far too big and heavy for her to fit into his pajamas by herself.

"Lee?" Leslie was laughing.

"Huh?" He shook himself from his reverie.

"Have you heard anything I've said?" she smiled.

Lee shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "I was just remembering the last time I was at a party at the Soviet Embassy."

He glanced sheepishly up at her.

"I hope I don't embarrass you as much as I embarrassed...myself," Lee almost said Amanda's name, but caught himself, though he wasn't sure why.

He had just settled in at his desk after lunch when he heard someone in the hall outside attempting to open the door. He smiled and shook his head.

'Must be Amanda with her hands full again,' he thought as he rose and went to help her by opening up the door.

"Ama..." Lee stopped short when he saw it wasn't Amanda at all.

"Staci," Lee stated, though it came out more like a question.

"Billy sent these up for you," Staci said.

Lee thought her voice sounded different and was about to ask if she mightn't have a cold when, after setting the files down on Lee's desk she turned and positioned herself against it, hands back of her on either side.

"Uh, is there something else you need, Staci?" Lee asked cautiously. He wasn't sure he liked the look of this.

"Oh, probably," Staci said and began to walk toward him, intentionally swinging her hips.

Lee began to back away from her. When his back was to the wall Staci pressed up against him.

"I need you to call me, if there's ever anything you need," she said in a voice that some might have described as seductive.

At that, she gave him a Cheshire Cat grin, turned, and walked out the door.

Lee took a deep breath and thought, 'What did I ever see in that woman? Any of those women?'

Shaking his head he walked back to his desk to look at the files Billy had sent him. There was an odor that'd cloyed to them. Staci's perfume was as obnoxious as she. Normally his files didn't smell. Normally they reminded him of Amanda. And normally Amanda would have stayed to file them, and they would have talked, and he would have told her about Leslie and maybe invited Amanda to meet Leslie tomorrow at lunch.

An hour later, Lee finished the filing. He should have just called Amanda. She knew where everything went. But he reasoned she must be busy or must have left already, otherwise his office still wouldn't smell like Staci's Eau de Hussy. Lee laughed at his own joke and walked to the window to open it for some fresh air. He looked down on the street from the open window and saw Amanda getting into her car. He watched as she sat for a while and then leaned her head against the sterling wheel. Concern for his friend began to fill his mind. After a moment, Lee saw her lift her head. She turned and seemed to look through her purse for something. Turning forward again she pulled down her visor and lifted the cover on the mirror. Lee was certain she daubed her eyes with a tissue. She was crying. His heart sank. He hadn't spoken to her since...he couldn't really remember the last time he spoke with her.

Probably Francine said something, he reasoned. That woman could be so exasperating and she really knew how to get under Amanda's skin. He'd stop by her house after dinner with Leslie and check on her.


	4. Chapter 4--You're the Inspiration

**A/N: 1) Last date with Leslie we will have to endure until that fateful moment in OTL. 2) Personally I'm not especially pleased with the way the first part of this chapter came out. I felt I needed to establish a reason the doorman would allow Leslie into Lee's apartment. Anyway, constructive criticism is welcome. And having the doorman drop-kick Leslie when he meets her wouldn't work in this story. ;) 3) Had a major 80s flashback while writing this chapter...obviously. **

Chapter 4-You're the Inspiration

Lee looked at Leslie as they finished their meal. He hoped he could ask what he wanted without sounding forward.

"Um, Leslie," Lee said.

Leslie smiled at him in answer and Lee thought, not for the first time, that she had a very beautiful smile. It made him fell almost like he did when..No, he reminded himself. He was not to think that way. He had to forget his ridiculous fantasies about Amanda. Taking a breath, he plunged ahead.

"I was wondering if you'd like to go back to my place for dessert?" As soon as Lee realized what he'd said he spat out quickly, " I mean, so you can see where I live and...uh."

Leslie reached across the table and took Lee's hand in hers.

"It's OK, Lee," she told him. "I trust you."

Lee looked into Leslie's eyes and for a moment expected to see a certain look but he stamped that thought down. Leslie was not Amanda. He had ruined that relationship before it had even started. With Leslie he had a clean slate. With Leslie it would be good.

Lee parked his car in front of his apartment then quickly walked around and opened the door for Leslie. As he shut it, he leaned down and kissed her gently. Walking into the lobby he saw Frank, the night doorman.

"Frank," Lee greeted the man.

"Good evening, Mr Stetson," Frank replied.

"Frank, I'd like you to meet Leslie O'Conner," Lee introduced them. "Leslie, this is Frank Munroe, the night doorman."

After the two had greeted each other, Frank walked over to the lift to press the call button. As they waited Leslie made pleasant small talk with Frank as Lee looked on and smiled.

Once in his apartment, Lee put some light jazz on the turntable before serving Leslie the dessert he'd bought, along with a nice burgundy. They sat on the sofa and enjoyed dessert and each others company as they talked about work and Leslie's upcoming return to New York. Lee thought he would probably miss Leslie but he didn't already feel it the way he had about Amanda when he'd been given his West German assignment last summer. It would probably take time, he realized. He was only just getting to know Leslie.

When Leslie finished her dessert, she set the plate next to her wine glass on the coffee table, then she held her hand out to Lee as she rose.

"Care to dance?" she smiled.

Lee accepted and they moved to the open space between the sofa and the door to the kitchen. As they swayed with the slow music Lee held Leslie and rested his cheek on the top of her head as she rested hers on his chest. He was only mildly surprised at how pleasant it was to not be rushing Leslie to the bedroom. He knew that eventually that part would happen, but they would be much farther along in their relationship when they did.

They danced that way for a while before Leslie pulled herself away, apologizing that she had to get back to the hotel and sleep before she worked the next day.

"Sure," Lee said, giving her a light kiss. "Let me get my keys."

Leslie shook her head.

"No, Lee, I should just call a cab," she smiled.

For a moment Lee thought he might have done something wrong, then Leslie pointed to the clock and said, "It would be way after midnight by the time you got home if I let you take me back to the hotel."

Lee was surprised when he saw how late it was. He hadn't noticed that two hours had passed since they had arrived at his apartment. Sighing and nodding his head he watched Leslie walk over and place the call. They took their coats and Lee went with Leslie down to the lobby to wait with her for the cab.

As they walked through the lobby, Leslie turned to Frank and said, "Good night."

He returned the greeting as he opened the lobby door for them and they walked outside to wait on the curb.

At 1am, Lee thought that he probably should have just taken Leslie back to the hotel. He'd been alternately staring at the ceiling and the clock since before midnight. Finally he crawled out of bed and went to take up his new nightly residence on the sofa. Picking up the remote, he turned on the TV and began to channel surf. He had to admit that cable certainly gave insomniacs something to do. In only the short time since it had become popular enough for the building manager to have it installed there had been a rapid increase in the number of channels. Only a few years ago there would have been nothing on this late except color lines and a long, monotonous beep. Now he had at least 50 channels to flip through. Flip being the key word. There was nothing on. He wondered briefly how much he was being charged for 50 channels of nothing interesting to watch.

He finally settled on the music video channel. If for no other reason than to occupy his mind trying to figure out how the video correlated with the song, if at all. There was a video playing by a group that called itself a-ha. The video was of a young woman reading a rather large comic book. He wasn't sure what it had to do with the lyrics of the song. Not that he entirely understood what the lyrics were in the first place. Next was a video by someone he actually understood, Billy Squier. But in pink? And the whole shirt ripping thing? Was the guy trying to commit professional suicide? Following that was a video of some guys all painted up and screaming into the camera in what Lee could only presume was supposed to be reminiscent of KISS. They were failing miserably.

Finally a softer song by Chicago came on. He wasn't entirely thrilled with the new sound Chicago had adopted but he supposed "change or die" applied to the music industry as well as any other. Hoping it might help him relax, he turned the volume down a little, leaned his head back on the sofa, and closed his eyes. He felt himself begin to relax as he listened to Peter Cetera croon.

_You know our love was meant to be  
The kind of love to last forever  
And I want you here with me  
From tonight until the end of time_

_You should know  
Everywhere I go  
You're always on my mind  
In my heart, in my soul_

Lee drifted off to sleep somewhere in the middle of the chorus.

_Baby,  
You're the meaning in my life  
You're the inspiration  
You bring meaning to my life  
You're the inspiration  
I wanna have you near me  
I wanna have you hear me sayin'  
No one needs you more than I need you_

He saw Amanda's face hovering over his.

_And I know, yes, I know that it's plain to see  
We're so in love when we're together _

"Care to dance?" she asked. And then they were.

_Now I know that I need you here with me  
From tonight until the end of time_

As the chorus rang in his head, Lee took in Amanda appreciatively with his eyes. She was beautiful. Her black dress fitted to her body in all the right ways. He leaned his face toward hers. He wanted to feel her lips pressed to his.

But she pushed him gently away. He looked at her, his confusion evident.

She shook her head sadly.

"Lee," she said. "Don't you think I've suffered enough?"

"But I," he started to argue, but she just shook her head and slowly backed away from him as she continued to speak.

"No, Lee. I have two young, impressionable boys to think of. What kind of roll model could you be? They deserve better after everything they've been through. You of all people should understand that."

She turned and opened the door.

Looking back to him before she closed it behind her she said, "I deserve better, you know I do."

He tried to yell to her to stop her from leaving. No words would come from his throat. He struggled to get to the door, to stop her before she reached the elevator. He couldn't move. He wanted to scream in frustration. Finally he was able to kick one foot up, and a pain shot through his leg.

"Ow," he hollered, as he came awake. He looked down at his feet and realized he'd kicked the coffee table in his sleep. There was a slight gash in his shin.

Sighing, he leaned forward and put his head in his hands. When would these dreams end? He was doing everything he could to move forward, but his dreams always came back to Amanda, and his very selfish desire to be more than friends.

In the background he heard John Waite singing, "I ain't missing you at all."

Lee picked up the remote and shut off the TV.

"Damned music videos," he grumbled to the empty room.


	5. Chapter 5--Friends and Family

Chapter 5-Friends and Family

Francine Desmond sighed as she looked over at Amanda King's desk, her attention drawn to it for the 10th time that hour by the ringing of the phone. Rolling her eyes, she thought about just calling Lee (Who else would be that annoyingly persistent in their need to speak with Amanda?) and reminding him it was Amanda's day off. But she really didn't feel like getting caught up in the middle of whatever was going on between the two of them.

'Besides,' she reasoned. 'He'll call me soon enough, asking why Amanda's not answering her phone.'

As if on que, Amanda's phone stopped ringing, and Francine's began.

Sighing almost melodramatically, Francine lifted the receiver to her ear. Before she could get more than, "Fra-," out, she had to pull it away again due to the screaming from the other end of the line.

"Francine," Lee hollered. "Why isn't Amanda answering her phone?"

Francine couldn't stop herself.

"Because, you're calling the wrong phone," she stated, her voice dripping in sarcasm.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he yelled.

"You might try her home phone if you're that desperate," she replied with an exasperated sigh.

Lee paused, and when he finally replied his voice was quieter and had take on an edge.  
"Why is she at home?" he asked.

If Francine had been inclined to analyze Lee's voice, she'd have suspected he sounded rather concerned for his partner.

"Lee," she was clearly frustrated with him now. "It's her day off."

There was silence at the other end and Francine thought he might have hung up on her, but then she heard his sigh.

"That's right," he said, his earlier anger deflated. "Sorry, Francine."

There was a longer pause this time and Francine wondered if Lee expected her to  
ask him if she could help him with something. Ha! As if that would happen.

Finally, he sighed again and said, "Goodbye."

Hanging up the phone, Francine wondered what was going on with Lee. While she would never admit it out loud, it had looked, until very recently, that Billy had been right. Amanda King was really good for Lee Stetson. The man had been a one-man suicide-mission-waiting-to-happen two years ago. Francine had worried about him every time he went out in the field. That was another thing she'd never admit.

Amanda had changed Lee. He was always one of the best, but now he was the best. Amanda had the effect Billy had thought from the beginning, forcing Scarecrow to think during cases about consequences in a way he'd never thought when he was on his own. Billy had been able to see something that absolutely no one else had seen. Unlike Lee or Amanda, Francine had been present for a myriad of heated meetings between their field supervisor and his bosses about Amanda's work. There had been dozens of times, especially that first year, that Francine had been concerned for her superior's job. He'd put his neck on the line for both of them. And over the past several months it seemed as if that perseverance was paying off. Now, Francine wondered if Lee was going to throw away Billy's hard work, and reputation along with it.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts and concentrate on her work. It was foolish to worry. There was only one person she knew who was more stubborn than Lee and that was his housewife partner. Amanda would stick with her job, Francine was sure, at least until she looked up and saw Lee saunter into the bullpen. He looked like the Lee of old. Not a care in the world except to get his job done right and go out and party with the ladies when it was done. Francine wasn't even sure if she wanted to put up with that again.

Amanda spent the morning in a flurry of as much activity as she could without Spring cleaning her house in October. Her mother had watched her without comment and tried to stay out of her way as much as possible until Amanda mentioned that it was probably a good idea to clean out behind the refrigerator twice a year. Then Dotty felt the need to intervene.

"Amanda, dear," she said from her place on the family room sofa. "Whatever is the problem?"

"Problem?" Amanda said. "How is cleaning behind the refrigerator a problem?"

Dotty gave her a knowing look and a nod.

"That's what I thought," she said. "Is there something wrong at work?"

Amanda turned away from her mother and walked to the sink. She couldn't find her voice enough to even answer the question with a question. Amanda stared out the kitchen window as if she could will Lee Stetson to suddenly pop up and force her to make some lame-brained excuse to get out of the house and away from her mother's inquiries. Then she'd know that she was only imagining things, that everything would go back to normal, whatever "normal" meant now.

"Amanda," Dotty's voice was soft, but came from right behind her, causing her to jump slightly.

Turning away from the window, she tooled her face and forced herself to look her mother in the eye.

She saw the concern on her mother's face and it only added to the sad feelings she'd been fighting this week. Suddenly Dotty's look changed to be of resolution.

Before Amanda could ask, Dotty said, "Upstairs. Shower. Dress. We're going out."

Amanda was about to argue when her mother just shook her head and pointed toward the stairs. Complying, she trudged up the stairs like her boys did when they'd been sent to do their homework.

Forty-five minutes later, Amanda was downstairs.

"Alright," she said to her mother as they headed out the kitchen door to get into the car. "Where are we going?"

Dotty smiled at her daughter.

"Well, there's this new little sandwich shop next to the grocery store," she told her. "Maureen and I went there for lunch last week."

Amanda sighed and accepted that she was about to face an interrogation she would rather not.

At the sandwich shop, they ordered, then Dotty made some small talk about the decor and the food she and her friend had eaten last time. Amanda tried to get into the conversation if for no other reason than to delay the serious questions she knew were coming.

Finally, her mother got to the point.

"Amanda," she said, the concern in her voice evident. "Is this about a relationship with someone?"

Amanda couldn't stop her reaction, as she gave her mother a surprised look.

Dotty nodded at her again.

"Are you involved with someone at work?" she inquired.

To this, Amanda could easily scoff, "No, mother. Of course, not."

Dotty gave her a questioning look but didn't say what was obviously on her mind.

After their food came they ate in silence for the most part. This did nothing to help Amanda. Her mother was obviously in serious thought to be this quiet. Though Amanda knew she was telling the truth that she was not involved with anyone, she also knew her feelings for Lee were deeper than just platonic friendship. She had grown to care for him greatly. She had allowed herself to think, if only briefly, that maybe things were turning in a new direction for them. She had been wrong.

Looking at her mother she saw the look of concern deepen and Amanda realized she had let her feelings show on her face.

Dotty took a deep breath and Amanda prepared herself for what the older woman had to say.

"Amanda, darling," her mother said, with more than a tinge of sadness in her voice. "I haven't seen you look this sad since..."

She paused, and Amanda mentally tried to prepare a defense for what she suddenly realized her mother was going to say.

"You know, you can talk to me about anything," her mother went on gently, but with conviction in her voice. "I don't want you putting up a false face like you did for so many years."

Amanda looked at her mother and felt a strong sense of guilt. It was true that for years she had pretended everything between she and Joe was fine. Even after he'd left for Africa she'd tried not to let on that there were problems. In a sense, she was doing it again. But it wasn't entirely the same. She and Lee were far from ,in a relationship," let alone a marriage-like relationship.

"Mother," she finally said. "I appreciate your concern. But it's nothing like that."

"Amanda," her mother replied. "It looks from my position to be at least close."

Amanda shook her head and smiled, letting her mother's very obvious love for her be a balm to her bruised heart.

"It's not. Though, I suppose, I can see how it might look that way to you."

Her mother waited for her to explain so Amanda felt compelled to give her something, even if it couldn't be the complete truth.

"It's just that a friend of mine is," she paused, trying to figure out exactly how to word this to sound convincing. "He's just making some, well, life decisions I thought he'd grown past."

"These decisions must be very serious for you to react this way," Dotty said. "He's not a, well, an alcoholic, is he?"

Amanda laughed lightly.

"No, Mother, it's nothing like that."

"Still," Dotty continued. "It's not something unsafe for you to be around, is it?"

'Unsafe?' Amanda wondered. 'Was being with Lee safe at any level?'

Amanda shook her head at her mother.

"He's perfectly safe," she told her, though she didn't feel the need to expound the definition she was using for 'safe.'

Her mother sighed in relief, then went on, "You will tell me, right? You will tell me if there's something seriously wrong?"

Amanda nodded her head.

"Of course, mother," she smiled, and wondered when she'd acquired the ability to look her mother dead in the eye and lie.

After lunch her mother insisted on browsing through a few boutiques in the area before they picked up Phillip and Jamie at school. It helped Amanda relax a little more.

When they got the boys home, Dotty told Amanda practice some baseball with the boys in the yard while she prepared the dinner. Amanda didn't protest because she appreciated what her mother was trying to do. After dinner and homework and sending the boys off to bed, Amanda told her mother she would be headed to bed herself. Her mind refocused on what she held to be most important, her family, Amanda didn't feel the need to wait up for a visitor she realized would not be coming tonight. Still, she felt a deep sadness as she closed the door to her room and realized the friendly, non-agency related visits might never come again.


	6. Chapter 6--Only in My Dreams

**A/N: With this segment of the story we begin at the beginning of Over the Limit. Amanda is in the bullpen with Francine about to receive her Spring cleaning assignment. And Lee, well, he's...**

Lee Stetson, aka Scarecrow, super secret agent, able to stare down the barrel of a gun without flinching, endure torture, lie his way through any situation with absolutely no problem, sat in his car in the IFF parking lot, staring blankly at the steering wheel of his Corvette. The prospect of having to face his partner, gluing him to his seat. Maybe he should have called in sick. He certainly felt like it. He hadn't had a decent night's sleep in nearly a week, and last night had been the worst. In fact, last night had been an unmitigated disaster as far as his personal life was concerned.

Leslie had been working so Lee stayed late at the office. He was tired when he left and drove to get something to eat. At some point his mind must have switched to auto-pilot because he suddenly discovered he was parking down the street from 4247 Maplewood Dr. His breath had caught in his throat as he looked up at the Cape Cod with its white picket fence. Why had he come here? And how could it be that the one place that used to make him feel such a sense of peace now created a dread in the pit of his stomach?

He glanced at the clock on the dash. It was 8:00 p.m. The boys would be getting to bed now. Amanda and her mother would be in the family room, most likely, maybe having some tea or just relaxing and reading. Lee felt his palms grow moist and his throat dry at the prospect of seeing her. How long had it been since he'd had an uninterrupted moment with her, alone? It had been a long time. His chest tightened and he was surprised at his sudden need to see her, to touch her, to take her hand in his.

He glanced up at the house and decided he'd wait about an hour before he tried knocking at her back door. They could talk. He could tell her about Leslie. At that thought he panicked. Why, he had no idea. It shouldn't be such an issue to tell his best friend about his new girlfriend. It wasn't as if there was anything romantic between him and Amanda. OK, so he had wanted something, but he knew he couldn't have that so it was time to be a man about this and just deal with it.

Looking back at the house he saw Amanda's bedroom light come on. He could see her silhouette as she came to shut the curtains. After a while the light went out again. Knowing Amanda's habits, Lee suspected that she had gone to bed. This both perturbed and relieved him. He rested his head against the seat back and stared longingly at her bedroom window.

Lee thought back to just a few weeks ago, when he felt things were moving along nicely. He'd been in her room, on her bed. They were just talking about the case they were working on but Lee had thought there had been something more. They'd shook hands on their agreement and at her touch Lee had felt something so strong, like an electric current pulsing through his body. He'd looked at Amanda to see if she'd felt it too, but she had instead blushed and put her hand up to cover the skin her nightgown had left revealed. Lee closed his eyes and realized he should have seen it then, the not-so subtle hint with which she tried to convey exactly what she thought of him. Sure, she could be his friend. He knew she cared for him. But more than that? No, it was obvious she could never trust him that way.

As Lee finally drove away, he thought to himself, 'Why does doing the right thing feel so wrong?'

He'd been certain he'd have a good night's sleep that night. He hadn't stayed out late with Leslie again. He went home after his "visit" to Amanda's and had gone straight to bed. He hadn't been very hungry anymore, for some reason. But he tossed and turned instead. He'd sleep intermittently, but only for a few minutes at a time. Finally, mercifully, his body gave out from the exhaustion from the past few days and fell into a deep sleep some time after 3am.

Lee shook his head, thinking of it now. It hadn't turned out to be so merciful after all. He had dreamed of Amanda. Not one of the dreams he'd had in the past week, but one that was similar to what he'd dreamed of before the whole mess with the Oz Network. Right now, he couldn't think of a worse possible thing that could happen to him.

In his dream, instead of going home, Lee had climbed the trellis outside Amanda's window and knocked. She opened the window for him and helped him in. She was wearing the same nightgown he remembered, only this time when he held her hand, she didn't look embarrassed, or try to cover herself. This time, she took a step toward him. He raised his hand and touched her face, then leaned in to kiss her. The instant his lips met hers it was if someone had poured fuel onto the flames of his passion. He pulled her tightly to him, her light moan only serving to encourage him. His lips never leaving hers, he guided them to her bed and she pulled him down with her as she fell. He trailed kisses across her cheek and down to her neck. She sighed his name in pleasure and he began to explore her body with his hands. His hand was on her thigh, slipping under her nightgown, when he was startled by a loud noise.

He awoke to the beeping of the alarm in his bedroom. His body was shaking and the pads on his fingers and hands buzzed as if he had truly been touching her. Turning off the alarm, he threw off the covers and made his way quickly to the shower. He didn't even bother with any amount of hot water to take the sting off the cold. But all the good the cold did was to quench his desire, he still shook visibly.

Dammit, this was ridiculous, he thought as he made his way to the bar in the living room. He was going to need something stronger than coffee if he planned to face his partner today. Sitting down on the sofa, whiskey in one hand, the other hand running through his hair, Lee shook his head. He had been positive things were getting better. Sure, he'd dreamed about Amanda lately, but it had been nothing like this. What was different last night?

That's when genius struck him. He'd visited Amanda and, even though he hadn't seen her, it had affected him. The other days he'd barely seen her. He had to wean himself off of her. Lee laughed at that thought. As if Amanda was some sort of addiction he had. But as he sat there he slowly realized it might not be so far from the truth as he'd like to believe. Wasn't she some kind of addiction, some kind of need? How many times had he gone by her house and just sat out front. Sure, he'd told himself he was just checking up on her, making sure everything was OK. But now that he was being honest with himself, he might as well admit that just looking at her house gave him some sort of peace. Even if he didn't go up to the window and look in to see her, he could imagine her inside, maybe helping the boys with their homework on a school night, or laughing as her mother read her the jokes from the Reader's Digest. Or playing a game with the boys and her mother if it was a Saturday night. For several months before he'd stopped dating entirely, Lee had cut short many dates when he just felt a little "off." Claiming his instincts and the propensity Amanda had for attracting trouble, he'd rush over to her house, and keep an eye on things for an hour or two, or he might go tap on her back door and she'd come out on the patio and they'd talk.

Lee groaned. He had to stop this. He had a girlfriend now, one with whom he wanted things to work out the way they couldn't with Amanda. He was going to cut himself off. He didn't know how much he could avoid her at work, but he could definitely avoid her outside the office. And, to be honest, lately, since Amanda was becoming more proficient at her job, they'd been working together slightly less.

Then genius struck him again. Leslie was going to go back to New York in a few days. If Lee could just refrain from getting involved in anything important, maybe he could convince Billy to send him up to Manhattan for, well, for what he didn't know, but he was sure he could come up with something. Amanda worked fairly well on her own and Billy could always find other ways to keep her busy. Maybe he could assign her with another agent.

Lee's mind froze for a moment as he saw red, and the ugly head of jealousy began to rear its head again. Shaking his head he thought, maybe Billy could assign her with another female agent.

Feeling somewhat relieved at his solution, and ignoring the pressure in his chest that told him that it would nearly kill him not to see his best friend and partner for that long, he glanced at his watch. He still had another hour before he needed to be at work. Getting up, he walked into his bedroom and proceeded to get dressed. He was about to put on his tie when the phone rang. He picked up the receiver.

"Hello," he answered.

A soft voice replied from the other end.

"I missed you yesterday, Lee," Leslie said.

Lee refused to give place to the still annoying voice in the back of his head that told him that he wasn't nearly as thrilled to hear Leslie's real voice say his name as he been to hear the Amanda of his dream.

"I missed you, too," he smiled, as he sat down on the bed.

"What did you do last night?" she asked.

It was an innocent enough question, but Lee's blood pressure began to sky rocket. He thought briefly of what could happen if he actually told her about Amanda. No, he couldn't do that. It would mess everything up if she found out about Amanda.

"Nothing," he managed to sound nonchalant. "Just worked late, then came home and went to bed."

"That sounds terribly boring," Leslie consoled.

"Yeah, it was," Lee said as he looked at the clock.

There was still time, so he laid back on the bed and continued his conversation with Leslie.

"How about I make it up to you later," she said.

"I like the sound of that," Lee replied, and he honestly did. He needed to see Leslie. When he was with her he worked harder at keeping thoughts of Amanda out of his head.

"Why don't you give me a call when you are done this afternoon," she told him. "We can go do something fun together."

"That would be great," he said. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Wonderful, I'll wait your call."

And with that they said their good-bye's and Lee hung up the phone. He laid on the bed and tried to think of some place they could go together tonight. Maybe a movie to change their usual restaurant dates. Lee really wanted to see the new Schwarzenegger movie, Commando. That didn't sound like something Leslie would like. Though he really wasn't sure. They hadn't discussed movie preferences yet. Lee remembered seeing an ad on TV earlier in the week for a Patsy Cline biography film. Maybe she'd like that. He'd look at the paper later and see what was playing.

Staring at the ceiling, he tried to imagine the date tonight. Slowly, the adrenaline that had driven him since waking ebbed, and his eyes began to droop. His mind briefly thought that maybe laying down on the bed hadn't been such a good idea. But then he succumbed to his body's need for sleep, and he dreamed again.

This dream had been different, and if he had to admit which dream bothered him the most, it would be the latter. He was in a field, or a park, he wasn't sure which. It was a wide open space with grass and a few trees. It should be a peaceful setting and the chaos surrounding him was out of place. There were bodies scattered all around him. Each covered with a cloth. It looked as if a morgue had been moved outside. He walked to each body, lifting the cloth from each face. The more bodies he looked at, the greater his panic became. While he couldn't say how he knew, he was looking for Amanda. She was supposed to be here, his mind told him. He started to run, crying out her name uselessly among the dead. Finally he came to a body, and he knew instinctively it was her. With a trembling hand he pulled back the cloth to see Amanda's still, grey face. Pain tore through him like nothing he'd ever experienced.

Suddenly, Lee was back in his bedroom. His breaths were coming in short bursts and he was tangled up in the bedclothes. He looked at the clock and saw that it was already 9:30. He groaned. He was late again. Not bothering to change his rumpled clothes, Lee grabbed his tie and slipped on his shoes before he ran out the door.

And now, he sat in the parking lot, preparing himself to face the inevitable. He had to see her again some time. It was foolish to think he could avoid her 100%. They worked together. She was his partner.

Lee sighed as he contemplated the meaning of the dream. He had convinced himself that it was just his subconscious reacting to his decision to stay away from Amanda in order to get her out of his system. He'd thought he'd had premonitions of her being in trouble before but they'd always just been an excuse to go to her and see her. This was nothing more than the same. If he gave in today, he'd fall back into his old patterns and things would never work with Leslie.

He finally opened the Corvette's door and climbed out. He didn't even bother to straighten the tie he'd done such a bad job tying while he was driving. Then he walked to the entrance feeling somewhat like a man going to the gallows. Between his co-workers "knowing" looks and his need to stay away from Amanda, this was going to be a lousy day.

"Mr. Melrose would like to see you downstairs right away," were the only words the receptionist said as she handed him his badge.

Strike that, it was going to be a miserable day.

* * *

In the bullpen, Billy was in the middle of handing out files for the ill-named "Spring Cleaning," (It was Fall, but this was what it had always been called and who was he to break tradition?) when he was interrupted by Francine's rather syrupy sweet, "Oh, it's the midnight rambler." He didn't have to guess who had just walked through the doors. Turning his eyes landed briefly on his top agent. Inwardly he cringed. The man looked as if he'd slept in his clothes. Francine's description could not have been more apt.

"I need to speak with you," he mouthed at Lee, who rolled his eyes in reply.

With practiced ease, Billy returned to his administrative duties, no one in the office aware of his concern over what was going on with his top agent, or his top team, for that matter. After passing around the files, and letting Amanda know about the appointment he'd set for her at the firing range,he stepped to the side and waited for Scarecrow who was deflecting Francine's accusations. From the looks of things, though, neither Francine, nor Amanda, were buying his excuse of insomnia.

Lee walked over and Billy said, "Insonmia, huh?"

He wasn't buying it either.

"Chronic, too," he let the sarcasm drip into his voice. "Same problem for the last four days."

Lee looked as if he was going to protest with more excuses so Billy hurried to his reason for summoning him.

"There's a way you can make it up to me," he said. "Amanda's never been Spring Cleaning."

"Ah, now, wait a minute Billy," Lee started, a slight whine to his voice. "Amanda doesn't need a nursemaid. She's been around enough to know how to handle a few crackpots, come on."

"Handling is one thing, but Amanda gets...enthused," Billy reminded him. "Like any other day in DC, anything can happen.

"Listen," he went on. "I've got a mill full of funny rumors. Who makes rumors?"

"Crackpots," Lee answered at the same time as Billy replied to his own question.

"Take. Care. Of. Her," Billy emphasized with his voice and his look, then turned and walked back to his office.

As he sat down at his desk, he watched Lee follow Amanda out of the bullpen rather sullenly. Billy sighed and let his shoulders droop with the weight he had felt growing on them the past few days.

What the hell was going on with Lee? Billy had only been mildly surprised after the events of this week that Lee had all but refused to go out with Amanda. Was this the same man who had, less than three months ago, all but begged him to send Amanda to "help" him in a simple overseas assignment? Was it the same one Billy could tell was seething inwardly with jealousy when Amanda was "dating" a man undercover to find out information about a terrorist?

He had wondered if there might be something more to their relationship. But things didn't really seem any different. Over the previous year they had become a solid team. Their fighting over Amanda's ability to do her job, and Lee's stubbornness, seemed to have dissipated and was replaced by serious discussions about their cases. They didn't always agree, but there were none of the explosive and heated debates they'd had at the beginning of their partnership.

Partnership, Billy thought. Lee had finally accepted Amanda as his partner. From there things had immediately improved. They listened better to each other. Their work before had been good, but now it was almost seamless. He had rarely seen two partners work together so well. In all his years as an agent, Billy, himself, had only had one such partner.

Thinking back to that time, Billy groaned mentally. That had been ruined by an outside love interest as well. Not his, but his partner's. While Billy knew what was going on with Lee was nothing near what had happened with his partner, he still understood where Amanda might feel slighted and Lee wasn't doing anything to try to help that. Good partners had a tendency to become best friends. And when the partnership was mixed, as it had been in Billy's case, and it was with Lee and Amanda, a love interest by either of the parties could really start to wreak havoc on that friendship, especially one that was as close Billy suspected Lee's and Amanda's.

Billy had held off Spring Cleaning until today when Amanda was in because he'd hoped that by sending Lee out with Amanda, and reminding him of what he had thought Lee knew, Amanda was basically a magnet for trouble, he might rouse some of Lee's waning interest in their partnership.

The section chief shook the thoughts from his head and tried to mentally get back to his work. Maybe today, with some time alone out in the field, Lee would be reminded just how valuable he'd previously thought Amanda.


	7. Chapter 7--Big Baby Blues

**A/N: Title for this chapter is of a song by Ritchie Valens. Thought it fit Lee perfectly in this part of the episode. ;) It would probably be helpful to watch S3E3. I didn't want to get bogged down typing out every last word they all said so I've tried to summarize as best I can.**

**Thanks for all the follows, reviews, and likes. Really a boost for the ego. ;D As always, constructive criticism is gladly welcomed.**

Amanda had always thought the saying, "The silence is deafening," was somewhat absurd. It never made sense. How could silence be loud enough to make a person unable to hear anything? But this drive with Lee was making her a believer. The silence between them spoke more loudly and clearly than any words possibly could. Their usual easy flow of conversation was non-existent. The feeling between them was so tense, she wondered if she really could cut it with a knife.

She sighed inwardly. She didn't want to give Lee a chance to snap at her, and judging by the tension she felt rolling off him, he was ready to do just that. She tried to concentrate on the color of the fall leaves, count the number of yellow school busses they passed along the way, anything to keep her mind off the fact that she could feel Lee slipping away from her with every passing moment.

He was lying to her, to everyone at the office, and Amanda had no idea why. What was the big deal that he was dating again? He'd dated plenty of women in the past and never been ashamed. Why now?

Amanda didn't like the direction her thoughts were taking her. She could only imagine one reason Lee wouldn't want anyone to know he was dating.

'No,' she chastised herself internally. 'Lee is a lot of things, but not that.'

'Eva,' her thoughts whispered back to her.

Amanda again tried to stop the direction of her thoughts. Nearly two years ago when Lee's old lover had suddenly returned from the "dead" she'd suspected something was going on. One morning when Amanda had walked into the house she was helping Eva's husband, Angelo, settle into American life, she'd know something had happened between Lee and Eva. His ex-lover was wrapped comfortably in Lee's sweater. Amanda wasn't as clueless as Lee often thought she was. She could tell that Eva had taken on a level of possessiveness for Lee that was entirely inappropriate for a married woman. Even then she'd tried to convince herself that though Lee had a thing for the ladies, he drew the line somewhere. But maybe she'd been fooling herself. Maybe she didn't know her partner as well as she thought. Maybe she'd built up this myth in her mind, willing herself to believe she saw something different in him.

'Stop!' she internally yelled, closing her eyes and willing herself to focus on her job and what it was she needed to do for this Spring Cleaning project.

Opening the top file, she made to read it again, but the words were just a blur on the page. She couldn't focus on the information The Agency had so far on The Ladies Auxiliary of 'what-not.'

She ventured a side-long glance at Lee. His fists were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, knuckles white. Though he seemed to be trying to keep up the appearance of relaxed by leaning back in his seat, Amanda knew him well enough to see the stress lines on his face. The way his jaw clenched and that vein in his neck started bulging were dead giveaways. Lee was more stressed than Amanda had seen him in a long while.

Slowly her feelings started to soften toward him and she became upset with herself for doubting him. What if he was telling the truth? What if it really was insomnia? What could cause him all that stress? She turned her body now to look at him more closely. He didn't seem to notice her gaze, which was very unusual for him. Now she started to worry. Maybe this woman he was dating was causing him problems. Lee was her friend and her partner, she should be looking out for him, not secretly pondering all the sins he could be committing.

"I'm sorry about your insomnia," Amanda spoke into the silence.

Lee's body flinched as he seemed to break out of a deep thought.

"What?" he asked, barely sparing her a glance.

"Your insomnia," Amanda said, trying not to react. "It must be difficult to do your job. Earlier you looked like you could fall asleep standing."

Lee took a moment to answer. He seemed to be having some sort of internal argument. The sight of him so distressed did nothing to ease Amanda's concerns.

Finally he said, "It's nothing, really."

"Not sleeping for four nights in a row doesn't seem like nothing," Amanda tried again.

Lee took another moment.

"Look, Amanda," he said, sounding agitated. "I don't really want to talk about it."

His words stung, and though she tried not to take them personally, she couldn't help but react by physically turning away from him to stare out the window.

The rest of the drive was spent in now painful silence. It was obvious to Amanda that Lee really didn't want to be with her.

Lee lowered himself onto the third step of the house staircase and listened as the Ladies Auxiliary of the Cosmic Cabal "channeled" Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper. Resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his fists, he sighed a discontented sigh. He was supposed to be avoiding Amanda, not driving her all over town helping her with her work. This wasn't working out the way he'd planned at all.

Running his hands over his face, Lee tried to ignore the gnawing feeling inside him. He had been pretty rude to Amanda on the way over. She was only trying to be his friend, after all. His intent wasn't to put a strain on their relationship, just a bit of distance, just enough to get his ridiculous feelings out of his system.

As a very odd version of Chantilly Lace started up in the other room, Lee tried to think of something else, anything else. He hadn't decided on what to do for his date tonight. A movie did seem like a good idea. If he had known they'd be spending the morning with this group, he might have brought in a paper so he could check show times. Thinking of Leslie reminded Lee hat he needed to pick up his tux for the Russian Embassy. He wondered what Leslie would wear. He was sure it would be something simple and understated. She wasn't a flashy woman. He thought, for the first time in his life, that it must be a real pain to be a woman, at least as far as these parties went. He just wore a tux. His only question ever was if he should wear a colored tie and cummerbund.

As he thought about the dinner, he imagined himself dancing with Leslie. He smiled. She was a good dancer and he knew he would enjoy holding her closely. Leslie felt nice in his arms.

'Not right, though.'

Lee gritted his teeth and tried to control his traitorous thoughts. It would feel right, eventually. It just took time.

'It didn't take any time with Amanda.'

Lee stood abruptly and began to pace in the foyer. If his thoughts would just get in line with reality, things would be so much easier. If he could accept the reality that Amanda didn't want him, he could move on, and this struggle would be over.

The singing finally, mercifully ended and Lee could hear Amanda asking Jenny Weeks the questions The Agency had for groups like this. Soon they'd be done here and on to the next nut case. That thought didn't sit well with Lee. He needed to get away. This was a ridiculous waste of time anyway. Amanda could handle this easily.

Suddenly Lee thought up a plan. It would work perfectly, as long as Billy never asked Amanda if Lee had stuck around with her the entire day. He could send Amanda on after this visit was over. The other groups she had to see were all within walking distance and she could catch a cab back to the office. While she did that, he could run some errands. He could pick up his tux. And, now that he thought about it, maybe he could get a dress for Leslie for their Russian Embassy dinner. In the back of his mind he had a picture of a dress. It was perfect for her. If he could just remember where he'd seen it. Maybe Amanda would know where to find it if he described it to her. Then Lee remembered where he'd seen the dress. Amanda had worn it on their visit to the same place.

Lee wondered if this was really a good idea, after all. But, really, it would look perfect on Leslie. Amanda didn't need to know *where* Leslie would wear it. In fact, Amanda didn't need to know about Leslie at all. He could just say it was for a friend. And, Leslie was a friend, so he wouldn't technically be lying. He settled the matter in his mind as Amanda said her usual pleasant goodbyes to the Ladies Auxiliary.

As they walked down the front steps together Lee complained, "Well, we were in there 30 minutes."

"Well, we had to let them finish singing before we could fill out the questionnaire," Amanda replied, completely unruffled by the waste of time.

Lee groaned.

"You're pretty antsy," Amanda observed. "Got a date?"

"No," Lee paused briefly. "Just a little preoccupied, that's all."

"Well, if you want I can finish these off," Amanda told him. "There all close by."

"Are you sure?" Lee asked. It was as if she'd read his mind. But he refused to allow his thoughts follow the train they were immediately drawn to.

"Yeah," she told him as she smiled.

"Oh, that's great," he said. What a relief. Now for the more difficult part.

Lee decided to broach it in a friendly manner, reminding her of the evening last New Year's Eve. He knew she'd had a nice time, up until he passed out, at least.

They reminisced for a few moments before Lee got to the crux of the matter.

"You sure looked beautiful," he said, feeling that there was no reason not to. It wasn't like she'd take it the wrong way.

"Remember how we danced," he said. She smiled as she thought on that night and Lee shoved every feeling he had about it deep beneath his studied emotions.

He began to describe the dress to her, ignoring her beautiful smile and what it did to his insides. Finally, he asked her where she'd bought it.

"I made it, " she said.

Lee was disappointed. He really had thought Leslie would look so perfect in that dress.

"Aw, it's a one of a kind, huh?"

"Yes, it is," Amanda nodded.

"Darn it," Lee said. "You know, I wanted to get a present for a friend of mine, and I just think she'd look _great_ in something like that."

Amanda's smile faltered and Lee started to wonder what he'd said that was so wrong. As she continued walking down the sidewalk to her next destination, Lee started to feel like he'd gone about that the wrong way. Maybe he should have just asked her straight up, not bringing up that night.

He turned and walked back to his car as he thought, 'Maybe she _did_ take it the wrong way.'

Shaking his head as he walked around to the driver's side of the Corvette, he convinced himself that there was no way that could have happened. They were just friends, she would never be interested in more.

'Wouldn't she?' his thoughts asked him. 'Because she really looked like...'

Shoving that thought aside, Lee decided to do a little shopping before he picked up his tux. He might not have that dress, but he was sure he could find something close.

A few hours later, after he was sure it would look like he'd been with Amanda for most of the day, he returned to The Agency parking lot. He'd accomplished what he'd set out to do, which was mostly avoid Billy's wrath. He had found the perfect dress and had it sent to Leslie's hotel. He picked up his tux and had taken it home. Now he just had to walk back into the office and pretend he'd been a good little boy, and Billy would be none the wiser.

He walked into the Georgetown foyer to pick up his ID from Mrs Marsten. The woman had a strange look on her face, almost as if she was relieved to see him.

"Mr. Melrose will want to see you right away," she said, in her usual curt manner.

Lee wasn't sure what to make of it but he walked to the elevator and descended to the bull pen level.

Billy was waiting outside the elevator when the doors opened.

"Thank God, you're alright, man," he said, clearly relieved to see Scarecrow.

"Where's Amanda?' Billy asked.

"Amanda?" Lee asked, trying to feign innocence but he knew he'd been caught when Billy raised his eyebrow in a manner that was almost menacing.

"Isn't she with you?" he asked.

"Um, she was," Lee tried to stall.

Where was Amanda? The other groups shouldn't have taken this long, then a cab ride back to The Agency. He wondered briefly if she'd gone home.

"You left her?" Billy's voice began to elevate.

"Well, it was her idea, really," Lee tried to defend.

"I told you," Billy started, but then he stopped. "It doesn't matter, I'll deal with that later."

"Billy," Lee said. "You're starting to make me nervous. Where's Amanda?"

"There was a bombing," Billy said almost too mater-of-factly.

Lee felt as if the floor had just been pulled out from under him. He had left her. And there was a bombing. He worked to control his breathing, and in a few seconds he had pulled on his agent mask and stuffed his greatest fears deep where they couldn't interfere with any possible help he could be to Amanda.

"Where," he asked.

Billy told him about the rally of one of the groups Amanda had been sent to. They'd gone to the park, and if Billy knew Amanda, she'd gone along.

Turning abruptly, Lee pushed the button for the lift and stepped in quickly when the doors opened. Rushing past Mrs. Marsten as he tossed his agency ID at her, he flew out the front door like the devil was on his heels.

He'd left her. And there was a bombing.

Thankful for light, mid-day traffic, he made it to the park relatively quickly. As he surveyed the chaotic scene before him, he suddenly had a sense of déjà vu. For all intents and purposes, it looked much like his dream earlier that morning. He showed his government ID to one of the police officers guarding the scene and stepped under the yellow tape.

Lee walked through the ambulances and looked on as the injured were treated. The chaos was so similar to his dream that he had to fight the fear just to keep looking for Amanda. He cursed himself for leaving her. He should have listened to Billy. Hell, he should have listened to his own instincts after that dream this morning. Now it was real. And now he couldn't find her.

Lee had almost decided to give up and call Billy to have him check the hospitals, not morgues, he couldn't think that way, when he looked up to see a familiar figure on a small, grassy hill. His heart caught in his throat and he all but ran up the hill to her.

"Amanda," he said. "Are you OK?"

She turned to him and the look on her face broke his heart. He knew she'd seen some terrible things today and he hated that he hadn't been with her. He should have been with her.

He took her hands in his, and he felt it again, that charge, only this time the emotions behind it were stronger. She was saying something to him about the bomb and the victim, but her words barely registered as he glanced over her, assuring himself that she really was OK. It had been so long since he'd touched her, since he'd held her. What if...no, he couldn't think like that. She was here. She was alive. His worst fears had not come to life.

Finally taking her in his arms he said, "Just thank God you're weren't hurt." And he meant it. He meant it more than any other words he'd ever said in his life. He wanted to stay like that, with Amanda in his arms. He wanted to protect her from the hurt he saw in her face. But he knew it wasn't practical, probably not even wanted.

He saw a plain clothes detective he knew approaching them as he pulled away from Amanda. Trying to ignore how her hands lingered on his chest after their embrace, he spoke to the man. Unfortunately, Manny wasn't very happy to see him and after exchanging un-pleasantries, Amanda brought their attention to a woman being arrested.

"Detective Trudeaux," Amanda inquired. "Where are they taking Mrs. Sullivan?"

Lee knew that tone of Amanda's voice. It was obvious that, though she'd probably only met the woman that day, Amanda considered this Mrs. Sullivan a friend. This was not going to be easy, and Lee had a feeling that, whether his friend, Manny, wanted him involved, or not, Amanda was going to force it.

They walked back to his car, Lee's hand on the small of Amanda's back, as if it had always been there. His personal issues of the past week pushed back from his mind. All that mattered in this moment was that Amanda was alive and she was OK.

He paused before he opened the door of the Corvette for her.

"Look, Amanda," Lee said softly, taking her hands in his again and staring at them. "I'm sorry I didn't stay with you today. I should have been here. You shouldn't have had to go through this alone."

He looked up and saw her smiling at him. The tenderness in her eyes boring into his heart, forcing all his fears of the past hour to flee, leaving only that amazing feeling he always had when she smiled up at him this way. He smiled back and they stood for a moment, staring into each other's eyes, until Lee began to feel that old urge again, to lean in and take possession of her lips. Instead, he cleared his throat.

"We should get back to the office," he said, hurriedly. "Billy was really worried about you."

Amanda simply nodded in agreement and sat down in the passenger seat after he opened the door for her. As he walked around to the driver's side, Lee worked to get control of his feelings which were flying in every direction but the one he thought they should.

No, this day was not turning out the way he'd planned at all.


	8. Chapter 8-Lies, Damned Lies, and the Tru

**A/N: Sorry this is so late. I had a bit of writer's block. It went away when I chucked part of the episode (between the police station and the next morning) that I just couldn't figure out how to add to, so now it really would be a good idea to watch S3E3 before reading this chapter. :) **

**Again, many thanks for all the reviews and follows. Constructive criticism greatly welcome.**

_Chapter 8-Lies, Damned Lies, and the Truth of the Matter_

_'Who said I have a new girlfriend?'_

Lee's denial played over and over in Amanda's head as she drove her station wagon down to the police station to see about Elizabeth Sullivan. She simply couldn't understand why he was lying about this. Her mind returned again to her earlier suspicions but she clamped down on those thoughts. She refused to believe that Lee would ever intentionally get involved with a married woman. Reminding herself that she should consider him innocent until proven guilty, she pulled into the station parking lot.

Not for the first time this week did Amanda feel like she was suffering from emotional whiplash. That morning Lee had seemed distant and aloof. Then, after the bombing, she could have sworn he was his old self again. The way he'd held her, the way he'd looked at her; she had briefly thought that maybe whatever wall he was trying to erect between them had come down. But then, after they'd gone over the photos of the bombing sight with Billy and Francine, he'd lied to her again.

This was starting to feel like the not-so good old days to Amanda. Back when she'd first started working with Lee, he'd always been trying to push her away. His harsh words and actions, his lies about whatever he felt she didn't need to know, had all been used to try to push her away from him, and out of the spy business. He hadn't wanted her around and he'd never made any bones about that fact. How could they be back to that point again? It was as if the past year had never happened, that they had never grown closer, that he had never started to trust her.

Sighing, Amanda grabbed her purse and stepped out of the car. Once inside the busy police station she was directed and re-directed in her efforts to find Mrs. Sullivan. Finally she found an officer at a desk who seemed to at least know who she was asking about when she mentioned Elizabeth Sullivan's name. Nodding, he picked up the receiver to, Amanda hoped, find the information she was looking for.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a man's voice.

"Do you know my wife," a tense, but sad, male voice asked.

Amanda looked up to see a man wearing a grey shirt and blue jacket holding Elizabeth's little boy.

"Hello, Justin," Amanda said, reaching out her hand to the baby.

Introducing herself to Elizabeth's husband, Amanda explained to him that she had information that she was sure could clear his wife.

She stopped talking when she heard a familiar voice coming from the other side of the room. She looked toward Lee as he glanced at her. She could hear him talking to the detective on the case and he sounded as if he was trying to help Elizabeth Sullivan.

When Elizabeth came out from behind a door she went to her husband and they held each other. Amanda watched the reunion with one eye, while the other took in Lee's face as he watched them as well. He seemed genuinely happy at the scene before him. His look was almost enough to make her forget this entire week had happened.

After the Sullivan's left, Amanda walked over to Lee. The look on his face washed away most of her worries, at least the ones about the two of them. She knew he'd arranged Elizabeth's release, but she asked just to hear his confirmation.

"Good move," she told him, and he looked genuinely pleased with her praise.

Amanda started to walk out of the office and Lee stepped alongside her, placing his hand at the small of her back. She was only slightly confused but determined to stop worrying about everything. Whatever it was that was going on with Lee, he'd open up and talk to her sooner or later. She knew she just had to be patient.

As they exited the station house, Lee suggested they go talk with the Sullivan's at their boat to see if they could get any information that might help them in their investigation. Amanda agreed and Lee guided her toward his parked car.

When she reminded him that her car was here as well he said, "There's no need to take both cars for this, I'll just bring you back for your car when we are done."

It felt completely normal to drive along with Lee this afternoon. Such a huge difference from just this morning. Amanda hoped that whatever was troubling him, he would soon see he could talk with her about it. Then maybe she could just put this week behind her and they could get back to their partnership.

* * *

Lee tossed his keys on the bar as he kicked the apartment door closed behind him with his heel. Sighing deeply, he ran his hand through his hair. This had to have been the most difficult day he'd had in longer than he could remember. Just when he had figured a way to get Amanda out of his system, fate seemed to have thrust her forcibly back into every moment of the day. Fate hated him.

He made his way to the shower, shedding clothing as he went. He needed to wash off what was left of the fire extinguisher fluid. Amanda had wiped most of it off with some wet paper towels while they answered police questions at Magnuson's apartment. As Lee stepped into the shower and let the water pour over him, he tried to no avail to not think of how relaxed he had felt, perched on the stool in the apartment, with Amanda's left hand on his shoulder, her right hand rubbing his face and hair and neck with the wet towels. Her face was right next to his as he told Manny what had happened when they got to the apartment, and it felt so natural. Not in a romantic way. His heart didn't race, his palms hadn't sweated, but her ministrations had calmed him in a way no one else had ever been able. And he'd enjoyed the peace he'd felt.

How she always managed to calm him, he didn't know. It wasn't always completely that way. In the beginning her mere presence, or the mention of her name, would get him agitated, but at the same time, he occasionally found himself much more at ease with her than he had ever felt with anyone else. He could argue a thousand reasons why he had picked her out at that train station, but the reality was, he'd instinctively known he could trust her. He thinks it was her eyes. Something about the strength in them when she was merely walking down the train station platform told him that she wouldn't be afraid of him or what he was about to ask her to do. And that had helped him abate the fear that was threatening to take over due to sheer exhaustion after physically being on the run all night.

He poured some shampoo in his hand and worked it into a lather before he scrubbed it into his hair. God, he felt like two different people these days. There was the Lee that was rational and professional, that knew there was no way in hell Amanda could ever be interested in the same thing he wanted with her. The other Lee, the one that he had been holding in check all week, didn't really care what the rational Lee thought. The other Lee wanted, no, needed, Amanda. He was at war with himself and today marked the biggest battle since rational Lee had taken his rightful place.

Who had won today, he thought, as he finished showering and stepped out onto the mat. He reached for the towel and dried himself off. Hanging it up over the shower curtain bar when he finished, he turned around to grab his robe and hesitated when he saw the single blue garment hanging on the back of the door. How different from the old days when he'd had those awful brown robes; "Lee" and "She" embroidered on the front. It was more than slightly embarrassing to think of them now. He remembered Amanda's reaction when she'd seen them and he honestly blushed. He felt his face grow warm and he realized it really didn't matter which "Lee" had won today, as long as he knew which one had to win in the end.

Pulling on his robe, he threw open the bathroom door and made his way directly to the phone in the living room. He needed to see Leslie. At least when he was with her, irrational Lee could be kept under better control. And after today, that side of him needed to be stifled as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

There was no answer at the hotel so he called her office number to see if her secretary knew how to reach her.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stetson," the woman told him. "Ms. O'Conner was called in for translation earlier today and she isn't expected to be done until very late this evening. Didn't she leave you a message?"

Lee looked at his answering machine. The red light was blinking.

"Yeah, she probably did," he sighed. "I forgot to check. Thanks."

"You're welcome," she said.

Hanging up the phone, Lee sat at his desk in defeat. What was he going to do now?

He looked around his apartment as if he'd find the answer there. The thought of spending yet another sleepless night, alone, did not bring him much comfort. On the coffee table he saw today's paper. He walked over and picked up the Post, digging through the sections to find the page titled "Entertainment." Finding it, he opened to the movie show times. He figured that since he'd been having trouble sleeping this week he should eat first, then go to a later movie. Maybe in the darkness of the theater he'd relax enough to sleep when he returned home.

Deciding on the Arnold Schwarzenegger film, he looked at the times it was playing locally. He figured anything after 10pm would be perfect. He finally found a theater showing it that late and went to dress.

After a late dinner at a fairly good burger place he'd been wanting to try (and ignoring the voice that reminded him that he'd first thought it would be someplace he could go to with Amanda) he made his way to the theater.

He bought his ticket and entered the theater then he found a seat in the back row of the sparsely filled room. It was late on a weeknight so he hadn't assumed there would be many people. As long as no one sat in front of him he'd be fine.

The lights dimmed and the trailers started to play. A moment before the movie finally started, a couple came in and sat down three rows in front of him. He could still see so he ignored them and settled in to enjoy the movie. After a while, though, he couldn't help but notice the woman's physical reaction to each and every scary or gory moment. She would jump then hide her face in her date's shoulder. It started to get on Lee's nerves. He looked at the couple to glare at the back of their heads and his breath caught in his throat. From behind, the woman looked exactly like Amanda. She had the same slim shoulders, which were covered with what Francine would consider a very plain, frumpy sweater. Her brown curls fell down onto those same shoulders.

Trying to reign in his emotions, Lee reasoned that it couldn't possibly be Amanda. The way she was snuggled so closely to the man was proof, he told himself. She wasn't dating anyone.

'Yeah, and you don't have a new girlfriend,' that same voice from earlier reminded him sarcastically.

The man's arm was around the woman's shoulder and then he moved to run his fingers through her hair and turned and gave her a kiss on her the top of her head. Leaning down to her ear he whispered something. Lee could barely breath now, and he had absolutely no idea what was going on in the movie.

He remembered all the times he'd been so jealous when other men paid attention to Amanda, but this felt nothing like that. This felt like cold fear. It was as if he had lost Amanda. Which was ridiculous, he told himself. Amanda had never been his in the first place. But no amount of reason could calm him. The thought of Amanda with another man felt like it was killing him. The knowledge that he could never bring her the happiness she deserved tore at his heart and the idea that he had to sacrifice the only thing he'd ever truly wanted in his life was almost more than he could bare. He worked to control any outward betrayal of his emotions and thought briefly of leaving, but that would draw attention to himself and he wasn't sure yet if he'd masked his feelings well enough.

He spent the next hour and a half trying to ignore the couple in front of him and concentrate on the carnage on the screen. But when the man bent down and kissed the woman on the lips, Lee just about jumped out of his seat. Gripping the armrests, he forced himself to calm and finish out the movie. What would he say if people at work asked him if he'd seen it? Oh, yeah, but only half, I couldn't handle watching a woman who looked like Amanda make out with a guy who wasn't me? That thought made him laugh and too late he realized he should have seen a comedy instead. It probably would have been more distracting.

By the time the credits started to roll, Lee felt more in control and got up to leave. He couldn't resist a look back at the pair after he passed them. He couldn't see the woman's face as she was turned to the man. But he could see the man. It wasn't anyone he recognized from Amanda's life, though he'd stop checking up on her friends and acquaintances a year ago. That made him think that maybe he should..."no!' he told himself. He was not going down that road again. He could trust Amanda. Her judgment and instincts had improved. There was no need to check on the people she interacted with.

Resisting the urge to drive by Amanda's house, which would have been very out of the way, he went straight home. When was this going to be easier, he thought. When would the half of him that had briefly allowed himself to entertain the idea of something more with Amanda be satisfied that it was completely impossible?

The first thing he did when he got into his apartment was to pour himself a scotch and swallow it down as quickly as possible. In a few moments he felt the alcohol begin to take effect. He set the glass on the bar and went to the bedroom. Stripping down to his boxers, he threw back the covers and fell into bed, covering his head with his pillow. If he could just sleep tonight, things would go smoother tomorrow, he was certain.

He began to take slow deep breaths until he finally felt his mind begin to relax. Removing the pillow from his face, he placed it under his head and adjusted himself to a more comfortable position. Then he drifted off into what he hoped would be at least a few hours of sleep.

Slowly the darkness of sleep began to give way to his dreams. He saw Amanda's house and walked toward it. Making his way around to the back as usual, he peeked into the kitchen window. He could see Amanda sitting on the sofa watching something on the television. There was a man with her, his left arm around her shoulders, but Lee didn't feel any of the jealousy or fear he would normally feel. The picture before him seemed so natural, like it was supposed to be happening.

He could see a ring on the man's finger, and for some reason that made him happy. Amanda deserved this. She deserved someone who could love her and cherish her. Lee could feel himself smile even in his dream state as a feeling of warmth washed over him. He looked at the couple as they laughed either at something on the screen or something one of them had said. He wished he could hear her laughter through the closed window.

A movement at the foot of the staircase caught his attention. There was small boy, no more than three, in nothing but his underwear, a cowboy hat and boots. Lee chuckled at the sight. He seemed to remember doing something similar when he was that age. Amanda stood from the sofa and went to talk with the boy. When she removed the hat, Lee was surprised to see a mop of curly brown hair on top. Neither Philip no Jamie had curly hair. This boy had ended up with his mothers hair, and it looked good on him.

Lee glanced over to the man on the sofa. He had leaned forward and was pulling some popcorn out of a bowl and shoving a handful into his mouth. He shook his head, and his shoulders bobbed up and down as if he were laughing. Finally he stood and turned to look at Amanda and the boy.

Lee felt sure his heart would stop in his dream, maybe even in reality. He shook his head. It couldn't be.

"Couldn't it?" a voice said beside him.

Turning he saw himself. And now he was even more confused. But for some reason he answered.

"No," he told himself. "She wouldn't."

"Why not?" his self asked in return.

"Because I," Lee stopped as his voice broke, but his other self was patient as he waited. Lee turned back to look at the man, himself, again. "Because I don't deserve her."

"And how is love a matter of deserving?" his other self asked him calmly.

Lee had never really thought about it before. He'd actually never really thought about what made people love each other at all before he met Amanda.

"Do you think you always deserved your parents' love?" his other self went on.

"That's different," he responded.

"How?"

Lee was at a loss again. Turning back to the window he looked into Amanda's house with a greater longing than he ever had before. The man was holding the boy now, his smile showed how proud he was to have his son. Lee just couldn't believe that the man was him.

He felt his other self right next to him now, looking in with him.

"This is Amanda we're talking about," his other self said quietly. "She loves people in a way no one else you have ever known does."

"But," Lee started.

"No 'buts,' Lee," his other self said in a more firm tone. "To think Amanda could never love you the way you love her is to make her less loving than you know she is."

He looked back at himself trying to process what he'd said. He opened his mouth to offer a rebuttal, but his other self just shook his head, then he turned and smiled in on the happy family in the house before slowly fading away.

Lee looked in at the window again. Amanda was now pulling some milk out of the refrigerator. He smiled. He knew what she'd do. Walking over to the stove, she pulled a pot out from the cabinet beneath, then measured three mugs worth of milk. He wondered if it would be warm milk with vanilla, or if she'd make hot chocolate. He watched as the Lee in his dream walked over to the stove, still carrying his son in his arms. That Lee leaned down and kissed Amanda on the cheek. The boy clapped his hands and cheered at that. He couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud at that. The boy must have heard him because he turned to the window. Still smiling he waved at the Lee's "real" self and then gestured at him to come in.

Lee obeyed and walked around to the kitchen door. It opened noiselessly, and he could hear the laughter of the family inside.

"Looks like our son has picked up your habit of staring out the kitchen window," the Lee inside said.

Amanda laughed and her pure joy washed over the Lee's "real" self as he followed the sound of it into the family room. The boy looked at him again and smiled an even bigger smile. His parents seemed oblivious to their visitor and continued their conversation.

"Old habits are hard to break," Amanda said. "I spent so many years looking out that window, most of them just hoping you'd be there."

"Yeah," the dream Lee said. "Hoping for another adventure."

Amanda shook her head.

"No," she said, as she put her arms around his waist and pulled him closer. "Just hoping to see you, to talk with you."

When the dream Lee spoke again his voice was cracking with emotion.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" he asked, then placed a kiss on the top of her head.

Amanda pulled back and playfully slapped him on the arm.

"Oh, you," she admonished with a chuckle. "I am not going to start that argument again."

"Ah, but it always ends so well," the dream Lee said.

"Real" Lee knew that voice, it was his bedroom voice. He had never used it on Amanda, but the thought that he possibly could and that she'd respond sent tremors to every nerve ending.

"Don't start that in front of," Amanda's words were muffled as the dream Lee bent down and pulled her into a controlled, but passionate kiss.

When he pulled away Amanda let out a shuddering sigh.

"What was I doing?" she asked, obviously rattled.

The dream Lee laughed.

"Hot chocolate," the boy said with a huge smile.

"Oh, alright," Amanda said.

"Real" Lee looked at the boy again and found him staring back.

"I love you, Daddy," the boy said, and Lee knew he wasn't talking to the man holding him, but to the "real" one standing several feet away in the family room.

A feeling that he'd never known came over Lee then. He wanted to feel it again. Wanted to feel it forever, and he suddenly realized that this really was the only way he'd get to have that. No matter what he kept telling himself, this was the only way he'd ever have what he really wanted. Looking at Amanda's smile he wondered if it wasn't just as true for her.

Slowly the scene vanished from his sight but Lee didn't wake in a cold sweat, or even with a content feeling. He slept on and when he awoke the next morning he felt more rested than he had in years.

**A/N: It will be two weekends before I put up the next chapter. My house looks like Joan Wilder's apartment at the beginning of Romancing the Stone. :D**


	9. Chapter 9--If I Didn't Know Better

**A/N: Thanks for your patience. Here is the next chapter. I've spent eight chapters trying to convince everyone that we should feel an immense amount of pity for poor Lee. You can set that aside for this chapter. :) The title is taken from a Luther Vandross song, the lyrics of which I thought fit the confusion fairly of the relationship at this point fairly well.**

**Thanks for everyone's reviews and follows and favorites. I appreciate them all. Constructive criticism always more than welcome.**

If I didn't know better  
I'd think that you were mine,  
you're with me all the time  
If I didn't know better  
I'd swear we're more than friends,  
you're touching me again  
If I didn't know better  
I'd think we were in love,  
do you wanna tell me something?

Frank Mason had worked as the doorman for 20 years now. Lee Stetson had lived in the building for the last five of those years. In that time Frank had seen, and heard, a lot of things that disturbed him about Mr. Stetson's private life. As the father of five daughters, Frank had reserved a certain level of disdain for the man's womanizing. He really didn't care if the women were throwing themselves at him, or not. In the years before his first daughter was born, he probably wouldn't have been bothered by Mr. Stetson's behavior, but having a daughter, let alone five, changed a man. Frank Mason saw things differently than most men. And what he knew about Mr. Stetson had always troubled him.

Then, suddenly, things had changed. As the usual night doorman, he had always seen Mr. Stetson coming in at all hours of the early morning, at different levels of inebriation, with a variety of different women. It was the drunkenness that had stopped first. The tenant might still bring various women home, but he was always sober. Shortly after that there seemed to be an attempt, at least, at dating just one woman. Frank thought her name was Randi, but he couldn't recall now. There had been so many women through the years, they sort of bled into one in his collective memory. They all did, except one: Amanda King.

It hadn't taken Frank long to figure out that Mrs. King was completely different than any woman, or person, Mr. Stetson knew or associated with. There had been some confusion when he'd first met Mrs. King at Mr. Stetson's apartment. Actually, there had been a lot of confusion, starting with the fact that Mr. Stetson was dead, but he wasn't. It was complicated, he had been told. But he'd been a doorman for nearly two decades by then and he knew when not to ask questions or pass along information. That was just an incident he tucked under his hat. The less he knew, the better. A few days after a bomb squad had swept into the building and evacuated all the tenants in order to clear out the explosives in Mr. Stetson's apartment, Mrs. King had shown up, alone, while Mr. Stetson was out, to deliver Frank some homemade chocolate chip cookies and to apologize for all the chaos earlier in the week.

After that, the cookies, or some cake, or some other goodie, had been a routine delivery anytime Mrs. King came to see Mr. Stetson or to pick up something he'd sent her to his apartment for. They'd chatted and he'd learned that the Mrs. was just a formality, and that she'd been divorced for a while. And the more he got to know her, the more that bothered him. What type of man would leave someone like Mrs. King? It certainly made him keep a closer eye on his son's-in-law, at any rate.

She had a natural way with people and it wasn't but a few visits before he felt as if they were old friends. When his wife had gall bladder surgery a few months later, Mrs. King not only asked after her, but brought by food for the family so Mrs. Mason wouldn't have to worry about a thing. Mrs. King had even offered to come to the house and clean if needed.

Yes, Frank really liked Mrs. King. And, until earlier this week, he felt sure Mr. Stetson liked her even more. There had just been something different between them lately. And there was certainly something different about Mr. Stetson. Until this week, Frank hadn't seen Mr. Stetson come in with a strange woman in months. He kept regular work hours, though sometimes the man would get restless and go out for a drive in the middle of the night. On one particular night, Frank's curiosity got the best of him and he'd asked Mr. Stetson where he'd gone.

"Oh, just Arlington," he'd replied, but it had been the only confirmation Frank had needed.

Mrs. King lived in Arlington so who else would the apparently reformed Lothario be visiting?

Both Frank and his wife had spent time discussing what could possibly be going on between the two of them. They tried to guess when Mr. Stetson would give notice to the landlord because surely as close as they were getting, as much as Mr. Stetson had changed because of Mrs. King, an engagement was forthcoming.

But then the woman who currently stood before Frank showed up. He had no idea where she came from, or where Mrs. King had gone to, but it had been a surprise to him. And today, she was here, trying to use their familiarity after just one meeting to get into Mr. Stetson's apartment. For a "surprise," she said.

Frank sighed.

Ms. O'Conner wasn't an awful woman. As far as women Mr. Stetson had dated in the previous five years, she certainly ranked at least closer to Mrs. King than any of the others. But she wasn't Mrs. King, and for some reason that bothered Frank. It had taken all his willpower not to ask Mr. Stetson what had happened between the two of them. And it had certainly sparked some slightly heated debate and very disappointed remarks around the Mason dinner table.

Now, he shook his head, even as he agreed to Ms. O'Conner's request and walked to the lift with her. None of Mr. Stetson's other girlfriend's had ever made such a request and it seemed to Frank to be a bit presumptuous of a woman he suspected had just started dating the man. He was going to have to have a chat with his youngest daughter about this to make sure she understood what was appropriate in a new relationship and what made her look cheap.

After Frank opened the apartment door and took the lift back downstairs he started to think he was probably going to regret this. He didn't realize, though, why, or how much, until several hours later. He'd just come back into the lobby from a ten-minute coffee break when a cab pulled up in front of the building. He went to the front door to open it. As he glanced past the incoming tenant, he saw Mrs. King's station wagon parked just down the street. He wondered if his wife would mind too terribly if he swore under his breath. Walking slowly back to the lobby desk, he wished he hadn't accepted the request for a shift change from the daytime doorman.

* * *

Today had been a good day. It had been a really good day. Sure, it hadn't started so great. A disagreement with her mother, a miserable session at the firing range, and Elizabeth Sullivan booked on murder charges certainly weren't things she would have considered great, but she and Lee had been firing on all cylinders today, so to speak. They had worked almost seamlessly together since they had met up at the Agency that morning. It really was just as if the past week had never happened. They were back in their groove, almost reading each other's thoughts. It had felt so good to Amanda. The tense silence between them for most of the week had reverted to their normal good natured banter. And, Amanda had to admit, it was really nice to hear some words of praise from Lee about her work. It wasn't as if he had been displeased with it lately, it was more as if he was displeased with her. But now, as they exited the elevator and walked the short hallway to his apartment, things were good again between them, and that's all she needed.

But when they'd arrived at the door, they had found it ajar. Lee and Amanda had immediately gone on alert, with Lee pulling his gun and Amanda trying to pull herself into the wall behind her as much as possible. He entered the apartment cautiously and Amanda waited to hear what happened. It certainly wouldn't have been the first time they'd met with danger here and Amanda could only hope this would not prove to be anything that serious. Unfortunately, it turned out to be far more serious than anything Amanda could have imagined, only the danger was not to both of them, but only her, and only to her heart.

From the back of the apartment, Amanda heard a woman's voice calling out in French to Lee. And while the voice was muffled, Amanda was fairly certain the words could be translated, "Hello, Darling." For a moment, she found her natural curiosity stifled. She really wasn't sure she wanted to enter Lee's apartment and meet the woman whose existence he'd been denying for days. Instead, she peeked around the doorjamb at the well-dressed woman talking to Lee over the dining table.

Amanda found it hard to breath. What she saw was nothing at all what she expected. The woman didn't look like any girlfriend Amanda had ever seen Lee with before. For starters, she was dressed. Oh, sure, his other girlfriends had been dressed, but just barely. This woman wore well-appointed business clothing, her hair was done up nicely, and her make-up was simple. What was Lee doing with a, well, a normal looking woman? Amanda had been expecting one of his usual "flash-in-the-pan" floozy girls. She had not prepared herself for the fact that Lee had apparently decided he liked normal.

She should have backed away from the door and waited until Lee could come close it and she could have exited the building discreetly. She wasn't sure if she could stand the thought that was suddenly dawning on her, that Lee had decided he wanted normal, but he hadn't wanted it with her. She was more confused than she'd been before. Nothing made sense at all. Why had he seemed so interested in her over the past few months and now, suddenly, he had found himself another girlfriend? And why did the woman have to be so, ugh, normal?

Before Amanda could move, the woman looked toward the door and saw her. Amanda tried to cover her rising panic. It was foolish to feel this way about anyone Lee was dating. He had made her no promises.

The other woman held out her hand and introduced herself, "I'm Leslie O'Conner."

Amanda took her hand and shook it as she said her name, almost mechanically. This was entirely more awkward than any other meeting of any other girlfriend of Lee's. But the awkwardness was all her own. Leslie was at perfect ease here, it appeared.

But the worst part was Lee's immediate transformation. The easy camaraderie the two of them had returned to this afternoon was gone and in its place was a high level of tension and nervousness. Amanda could tell already that Lee wanted her gone, even more than he had around any other girlfriend.

He quickly pronounced it "quitting time," and Amanda knew, he wanted her gone. As Leslie spoke to Amanda, Lee glanced at his watch and Amanda could tell without looking at him that he was not patiently waiting for her to be gone. He announced quite suddenly, and in Amanda's opinion, rather rudely, as he interrupted Leslie's explanation of her work as a translator, that he was going to call Billy and tell him that Amanda was on her way over. Amanda needed no translator for that. Lee wanted her out of the apartment by the time he got back.

Normally Amanda would have been angry and offended at Lee giving her the brush off like this. But today, she wanted nothing more than to do exactly as he wished. She needed to get out of this room, this building. Amanda didn't think there was enough air in the entire neighborhood for her right now.

As Lee left to place his call, Leslie stepped closer to Amanda and began to question her about Lee in a friendly manner. Amanda suddenly wished Lee had been met with an armed intruder upon entering his apartment. That, she could have handled. This woman, this normal, ordinary woman whom Lee appeared to be dating, was not something Amanda wanted to even think about right now.

Leslie gently led Amanda into the apartment as she spoke. Turning to her she asked, "What I wanted to know is he always full of surprises?"

Amanda took a moment to reply so her voice wouldn't hitch. Full of surprises certainly defined Lee at this moment.

"Yes," Amanda nodded and rubbed her hands together slightly as she replied. "He's always full of surprises."

Leslie laughed and began to talk again. Amanda just wished she could figure out a way to make a polite but hasty exit.

After a moment Amanda's mind registered what Leslie was saying, "...he saw a dress that he thought would be just perfect for me, and he bought it, *and* delivered it to my hotel room."

Amanda didn't know what to think. This was not Lee's usual behavior at all.

"Well, that was very thoughtful of him," Amanda said, because she didn't know what else to say and she was nervous so she needed to talk. What she really needed to do was get out of this place, but Leslie showed no signs of ending their conversation.

"I brought it with me," Leslie continued. "I'm going to try it on later and surprise him. If it fits."

Oh, Amanda thought, I really need to be out of here by then. The last thing she wanted to see was the dress Lee had bought Leslie. She had more than a slight idea what it would look like and Amanda wasn't sure if she could hide a reaction to that.

She watched Leslie take a plate and napkin off the service cart and place them on the dining table as she went on about how wonderful Lee was, and chemistry, and a lot of other things that Amanda just didn't even want to process. She could hear the blood rushing to her ears now and hoped she wasn't getting flush. That would make this embarrassing moment even worse.

"Well, I guess I'd really better be going," Amanda said, impressed with herself at her ability to keep her voice calm. Right now she'd rather be back in O'Keefe's office at Transoceanic Industries, wondering how she was going to live through yet another mess she'd gotten herself into. Anything but this conversation with this woman would have been less difficult.

"Oh, no," Leslie disagreed adamantly. "You really must stay and tell me all the delicious things about him that he'd never tell me himself."

Amanda worked to retain control of herself and not simply flee out the door. That was a conversation she never wanted to have with anyone, let alone someone like Leslie, someone normal. And the thought went through Amanda's head again that Lee finally wanted normal, but he didn't want it with her.

Fortunately for Amanda, Lee returned then. She knew the moment he saw the place Leslie had set for her that he was displeased. It showed all over his face. For a minute Amanda wasn't sure what hurt worse, the fact that she was talking to what she knew was Lee's first serious girlfriend in nearly a decade, or the fact that he obviously didn't want her around.

Lee removed the plate from the table and replaced it on the cart. Then he turned and began to verbally usher Amanda out of the apartment, to her great relief. If she could just get out of here with her pride intact, she would consider the last miserable five minutes of her life not a complete failure.

But then Leslie said, "We're going to a party tomorrow evening at the Soviet Embassy."

Amanda felt her heart skip a beat. Her mind tried to stay in the conversation, but all she could think about was yesterday's conversation with Lee about her dress. If they were in California, Amanda would have prayed for an earthquake to open the ground and swallow her and the building. This was utterly humiliating. Of all the things Lee had ever done to her, she had to admit, this felt like the worst.

"That's why Lee bought me the dress," Leslie continued, needlessly, though she didn't know that at all.

"You're going," Leslie commented, as if there was no room for doubt.

"Oh, no," Amanda said. "I think I'll probably skip this one."

Which Amanda also thought should go without saying since she only attended such functions when Lee needed her for a cover. He obviously wouldn't be needing her for that anymore.

"Well, then, maybe the three of us could get together again soon," Leslie said.

Amanda really didn't want to think badly of Leslie, the woman was so much nicer than any of Lee's other girlfriends, including Eva, but at that moment she thought she'd rather have a root canal than get together with Leslie and Lee.

Outwardly she nodded and said, "Well, yeah, maybe so."

Finally, Leslie accepted her farewell and let her leave the apartment. Lee followed her out and started talking about his conversation with Billy. Amanda only heard half the words though. Right then Amanda was trying to deal with an unusual feeling. It wasn't one she had often and she'd never had it toward Lee at all. Amanda was always honest with herself and she had realized, almost since she first laid eyes on Leslie, that she was jealous.

Finally she could hold it in no longer and she interrupted Lee.

"She's very nice," Amanda said, though she was certain her voice and body language conveyed something entirely different.

They didn't to Lee though, and he said, "Oh, I'm glad you like her."

Amanda wasn't interested in anything Lee had to say about Leslie and she continued quickly.

"She's not your type," she told him frankly.

"What do you mean she's not my type?" he asked.

"She's normal," Amanda didn't even let him finish his question, her jealousy driving her on to say things she would not usually say. "She's a normal person. She would never understand you. She would never understand what you do."

She felt like she wanted to shake him.

What Lee said next, made Amanda wish she'd just kept her thoughts to herself. Was there really no way this day could stop getting worse?

"Amanda," he said in a firm tone, the one that told her he was convinced of his facts and there was no room for argument, as he started to list Leslie's 'attributes.' "She has a top security clearance from the UN as a diplomatic translator. She's been to Moscow for the START talks. She can guess what I do. That's why it works out so...perfect."

All Amanda heard was that Leslie had so much more to offer him than she did. What did she have that compared to Leslie's list? A live in mother, two young boys, a station wagon, a truly normal life. Leslie appeared normal, and she was much more so than Lee's former girlfriends, but she wasn't the kind of normal Amanda was. That wasn't the type of normal Lee was looking for. And for no logical reason, that hurt.

All she could manage in reply was a strained, "Oh."

Lee, though, was oblivious to Amanda's pain and he turned the conversation back toward the business at hand, then he threw in the part that was guaranteed to get a reaction even if she wasn't in her current state of mind.

"You're going straight home, right?" he said.

She lost it then. She almost didn't know what she was saying, she was so angry, half at his dismissal and the other from her jealousy. Lee tried to convince her of the pointlessness of watching O'Keefe, but Amanda knew he only felt that way because Leslie was waiting for him with a fancy dinner and the dress he'd bought her. The one Amanda knew she could more than guess at what it looked like.

As the doors to the elevator began to close, Lee commanded her to go home. This just made Amanda even angrier.

"Not this time buster," she said after the doors closed, hoping it was loud enough for him to at least hear the displeasure in her tone, if not her exact words.

When the lift doors finally opened to the lobby, Amanda walked quickly out the front. The poor doorman didn't even have time to get to the door and open it for her. She didn't care. In fact, it was better. She was so angry right now that it was probably good not to have to interact with anyone until she could get control of her feelings.

Slamming the car door on herself after she got in, she took some deep breaths. She had to calm down. This was so unlike her. She was logical. She was thoughtful. She wasn't emotional. She wasn't reactionary. And she especially wasn't when it came to Lee.

Sighing, she let her head fall forward until her chin touched her chest. She looked at her hands in her lap and finally, had to deal with the feelings she had started to have for Lee. She *was* emotional when it came to him. He had come to mean more to her than she should have let him mean. She never should have allowed that. It was one thing to be his friend, to help him be a better man, the kind of man she had seen in his eyes at the train station. It was completely another thing to give him her heart when she knew he didn't really want it. She had too many responsibilities that didn't go along with Lee's chosen lifestyle or job, so that even if he had given up the former, the latter would still always get in the way. When had she lost sight of that?

It didn't matter, Amanda told herself as she raised her head and squared her shoulders. She had a job to do, and she was going to do it, even if Lee didn't think it was important. She'd been at this long enough to know when to follow her instincts on this sort of thing.

* * *

Frank stood just inside the lobby door as he stared down the street at Mrs. King's retreating form. He felt so sad for her. From the looks of things she hadn't known Mr. Stetson was seeing someone else. She didn't deserve to find out about it this way. As he slowly walked back to the lobby desk, he thought that today he really didn't like his job at all because he'd have to be nice to Mr. Stetson when he saw him. But he felt a sort of fatherly protection for Mrs. King right then and all he wanted to do was give Mr. Stetson a nice sock in the jaw. Quitting time couldn't come soon enough for him today.

**A/N: Just a question for those more experienced in the FF pages here. Is there some sort of unwritten rule that an author's note is needed whenever posting a new chapter? Just curious because I forgot one on my other story and received far less reviews, etc. Just want to make sure I'm doing this all right. Thanks.**


	10. Chapter 10--Liar, LIar

**Hi, all. Sorry it's been so long. In these last two weeks I learned the real reason I had stopped writing, even for private pleasure after I started working last year. Between that and school (I homeschool) there is little time for anything else. I was finally able to settle my brain enough this week to work this chapter out. **

**Thanks for everyone's comments on my question about the A/N. And for everyone's reviews in general. I greatly appreciate them.**

**Real quick, and I'm sorry that I don't have the names but I want to get this posted before I get distracted by things I need to do around here.**

**For the reviewer who thought Lee had moved throughout the series...he only moved within the same apartment building in the first three series. ****I actually had always thought that as well until the DVDs came out.** The outside view of his apartment doesn't change until the fourth season. 

**For the one's who wanted a bit more Frank, he's here a little but if my fingers will cooperate (they do my writing) there will be more in the epilogue.**

**For everyone who wanted to know Lee's thoughts on the, as one FF writer put it many years ago, Freudian Slip heard 'round the world, I only deal with it briefly here. It's a pretty big deal but he needs more time to figure it out than he had that evening.**

**I hope that covers everything. I will attempt to reply to all the messages this week as I find time because I do enjoy interacting with all the readers. :)**

Lee closed the door to his apartment and leaned his head up against it.

'What just happened?' he wondered.

A voice behind him brought him out of his thoughts.

"Everything alright?" Leslie asked.

Oh, god, Leslie. Lee hadn't been kidding that her presence in his apartment was a surprise. He honestly hadn't even thought of her once today. How was that possible? They were dating. He should have thought of her at some point.

"Yeah, everything's fine," he said, turning to face her. "Amanda and I just don't always see eye to eye on things."

"Well, I'm sure she's just looking out for you," Leslie smiled, as she put her arms around his waist. "That's what good secretaries do."

Lee nodded, not in agreement but to end any further discussion of Amanda.

"Dinner's just about ready," Leslie said. "I'm going to go get changed. Do you want to pour some wine?"

Lee nodded and leaned down to kiss her. As she pulled slowly away from him and headed for the bedroom, Lee couldn't help but think that this all felt terribly wrong. But this was what he wanted, how could it be wrong?

And how could he have forgotten Leslie for an entire day?

Lee thought back over the events of the day briefly. He'd awoken feeling just fine. Better than fine, actually; it had been the first night in nearly a week he'd slept straight through. There were no nightmares, no insomnia, just a feeling of complete rest he wasn't sure if he'd ever felt before. He wondered again what he had dreamed about. Why was it that he could remember every nightmare from this week, but the one night he probably had a nice dream, he couldn't remember one detail?

It had been his day off, but that never kept him away from the office. And with this mess with the bombing and Amanda being caught up in everything involved, he wasn't surprised to pick up his ringing phone that morning and hear her voice at the other end. She'd been worried about Elizabeth Sullivan, telling him she'd tried calling her several times and that no one seemed to know where she was. Lee could hear the worry in her voice and told her he'd do some checking.

The day was a fairly normal work day for him after that. He and Amanda had hunted down the car Magnuson's killer had been driving. Amanda had gotten herself in a tight place, again. They'd managed to get out of that, thankfully, and then they'd come back to his place, where he'd been reminded he was dating.

How had he forgotten Leslie for an entire day? Why did it feel so wrong that she was here right now? And would he even have remembered to call her if she hadn't been here? He had to admit, he'd been entertaining the idea of more time with Amanda. Today had felt so right. This week had been stressful, and being with Amanda, as always, had made things less so.

And Amanda, had she been jealous of Leslie? No, that wasn't possible. To be jealous of Leslie would imply that she wanted...No, he couldn't let himself think like that. Still, it seemed obvious to Lee now that something about Leslie bothered Amanda. It made no sense at the time, but now he wondered if Amanda wasn't actually jealous of Leslie. Her argument sounded just like their old arguments, only in reverse. Instead of him being jealous of men she was dating, she was jealous of Leslie. Lee let that thought settle over his mind for a moment. He had to admit it made him slightly hopeful.

Just as suddenly though, he shook that thought from his mind. Amanda was just looking out for him, like Leslie had said. He shouldn't get his hopes up.

Sighing, he looked around the room. While he had been in the hall with Amanda, Leslie had lit some candles. Lee reached over to the light switch and dutifully dimmed the lights then went to pour the wine. But despite his reasoning against it, Lee continued to try to decipher Amanda's reaction to Leslie, and what it could possibly mean.

He saw movement from the corner of his eye.

"Amanda..." Damn! Lee turned his head away from Leslie so she couldn't see him visibly react to his very stupid mistake. How the hell was he going to explain that?

He turned to look at her. She looked very...nice. That was the best Lee could think because his traitorous mind suddenly brought forth an image of Amanda from the night at the Soviet Embassy to compare with Leslie, and it just wasn't the same.

"Amanda *is* very nice," Lee couldn't believe Leslie was giving him an out. "And you're very lucky to have her."

"Yes, Amanda is very special," Lee smiled at Leslie, trying to keep his thoughts in the present.

He took her outstretched hands in his and led her over to the sofa. There were a few minutes left before dinner and Lee hoped to take his mind off Amanda by then. They sat closely together and Lee said Leslie's name with the hopes he wouldn't make that terrible mistake again this evening. He leaned into kiss her as she put her arms around his neck.

Just then the phone rang. He was fairly certain who it would be and he grimaced.

After taking the call then calling Francine to tell her to be ready, he turned to Leslie to apologize.

"It's OK," she smiled as she stood. "I understand."

Lee stood up and started for the door.

"I'll wait for you?" Leslie asked.

"I don't really know how long I'll be," he said apologetically.

"I'll wait a while," she said. "And I'll keep some food warm for you."

Lee shook his head and smiled. Leslie was very kind and understanding.

"Alright," he told her. "But don't wait too long."

He kissed her goodbye and left to pick up Francine.

As he rode the elevator down to the lobby, Lee tried to ignore the feeling of relief he felt at being called away so quickly.

* * *

Frank looked up as the elevator sounded its arrival. Walking to the door of the lobby to open it for whichever tenant was leaving he cringed inwardly as he caught Mr. Stetson's reflection in the glass. Putting on a pleasant face he turned to greet the man as he approached the door.

"Good evening, Mr. Stetson," he said.

"Evening, Frank," came the reply.

"Leaving so soon?" Frank queried, though he knew it was none of his business.

"Yeah," Mr. Stetson sighed. "Back to work."

"And Ms. O'Conner?" Frank knew he was pushing it but he couldn't stop himself.

"Um," Mr. Stetson hesitated. "She'll probably have to leave before I get back."

Inwardly relieved Frank continued with what he really should have lead with.

"I'm sorry if I caused any problems letting Ms. O'Conner into your apartment," he said, though it was a lie. He was now secretly glad that things had turned out the way they had. Mrs. King might be hurt right now but it was better to learn what type of man Mr. Stetson was early on before things got any more serious than they already were.

"No," Mr. Stetson replied. "No problem."

And he looked as if he meant it, which only served to confuse Frank more.

"Have a good evening," Mr. Stetson said as he walked out the open door.

"Thank you, sir," Frank said. "You, too."

* * *

Once alone in his car, Lee took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. That certainly had been one of the less memorable moments of his life. In all his dating years he could not remember ever doing something that stupid. How could he have called Leslie by the wrong name? First he forgets about her for an entire day, then he uses the wrong name. He was going to screw this relationship up before it even got off the ground.

For now, though, Lee needed to push those thoughts aside. He couldn't afford to be distracted going into this "meeting," if that's what this turned out to be. Lee had a feeling he and Francine were walking straight into a trap. He needed to be fully present or he could get himself or Francine hurt or killed. He'd have to worry about the mess he'd made of things later.

By the time he reached the Agency, Lee was convinced this wasn't going to be as cut and dry as he'd tried to make it sound to Amanda. He was glad to see Francine waiting for him at the curb with her brown wig to double as his partner. He'd already dealt with Amanda getting in too deep once today when her ruse at Trans Oceanic was discovered.

As the usually blond agent opened the door and sat down, Lee thought to himself, "At least she left the curlers at home this time."

"What's the game plan?" Francine asked.

"Well," Lee replied. "I doubt they're just going to give us the money. I'm sure they have something else planned. We just need to be on alert."

"Think it's wise to have back-up 30 minutes out?" she questioned.

"I'm hoping we can get more than money," Lee said. "It'll be too hard to get a conviction based solely on that. It's too flimsy."

Francine nodded.

"It's a good thing I'm coming along instead of Amanda, then," the woman quipped.

Lee was immediately incensed.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked, his voice almost a growl.

"Don't be so sensitive," Francine replied coolly. "I'm just pointing out that there is too much riding on this assignment so we don't need a housewife there pretending she knows what she's doing."

Lee clamped his jaw shut, but he knew his anger had to be obvious on his face. He had been trying to stay focused on their task to keep himself and Francine safe; she apparently had no such concerns. He wanted to tell her he thought she'd been behind a desk too long and that Amanda would never have tried to distract him going into this sort of situation, but he bit his tongue and gripped the steering wheel tightly. All the while trying to ignore the existence of another person in his car.

But Francine wasn't done.

"So, you and Amanda kiss and make up?" came her next remark.

"What?!" he hollered.

"You seem to be a little upset about my comments regarding her fitness in the field," Francine said. "So, I assume the two of you are back to your usual, if you can call anything with Amanda usual, selves."

"Amanda and I are just fine," Lee grumbled. Francine had obviously been fishing with her first comments, still, Lee wasn't happy she had brought this subject up now. It was just too distracting for him.

Francine shook her head.

"It was nice of her to forgive you for such a petty lie," Francine chided. "You know, considering how she feels about lying and all."

Lee's breath caught, and Francine went on.

"I don't even know why you were lying in the first place," she said. "It was so obvious to everyone."

Francine looked over to Lee and added, "Besides, one of the girls from the steno-pool saw you and the new conquest making out at some restaurant a few nights ago, so the whole office knows."

Lee was barely listening. Oh, god. He had lied to Amanda. He hadn't thought about it before Francine pointed it out. That explained why Amanda was so upset at the apartment. What had he been thinking? He hadn't wanted to destroy his relationship with Amanda, he just knew he needed to move on.

As Lee drove on, Francine finally talked herself out, seemingly oblivious to Lee's distress. What was he going to do, he thought. How would he ever be able to fix this with Amanda. He had lied about something so stupid, and he had absolutely no idea why.

Finally, Trans-Oceanic Industries came into view and Lee worked to get into agent mode. He couldn't be thinking of how he'd messed things up with Amanda, again, at a moment like this.

* * *

Amanda had watched Mr. O'Keefe's assistant from her spot atop some boxes behind the fence surrounding Trans-Oceanic Industries. He had placed something near the parking spaces in front of the building then walked quickly toward the boxes right in front of her. When she saw him start toward her she had a feeling it wouldn't be long until Lee and Francine came into view and she couldn't believe her luck that the man had planted himself right in front of her.

As she watched Lee's Corvette pull into the parking area, Amanda knew what she had to do. This wasn't like hitting someone over the head with a stick and hoping Lee could get to her quickly enough, she was entirely on her own. Lee and Francine didn't even know she was at the facility. Trying not to think of all the things that could possibly go wrong, Amanda focused on the one that had to go right. She had to stop the man from hurting Lee and Francine. Taking a deep breath, she climbed up over the wall and knocked down the boxes closest to her. This action caused O'Keefe's assistant to jump back and out of the way of the falling boxes, but did nothing to stop him permanently. Amanda jumped from her perch and onto his back, but the man easily threw her off and back into the crates. Then he reached for something. Amanda didn't bother to see what it was. She grabbed a 2x4 and hit him square on the back. Then she ducked as she heard an explosion.

When she looked back up, the man was unconscious and she could hear gunfire coming from Lee's direction. She watched over the boxes as Lee ran to the front entrance and waved Francine around to the side. As soon as she was sure it was clear, Amanda ran quickly around the side and followed Francine into the building.

She paused briefly when she reached the door, fear and panic threatening to strangle her. The gunshots from inside the building forcing her to recall her time at the firing range earlier. She didn't realize until now how much that had shaken her self-confidence.

"I'm really out of my element," she said to no one, hoping the sound of her own voice would bring her courage enough to follow through.

Reminding herself again what was at stake, she ran into the balding following after Francine.

She came up behind her and watched as O'Keefe fired a shot at Francine. Though it missed, the splinters that flew up from the crate where the bullet impacted must have flown into Francine's face. She turned away quickly and fell, dropping her gun. Mr. O'Keefe used that moment to overpower the agent. After O'Keefe pushed Francine around the corner and probably into Lee's view, Amanda grabbed up Francine's fallen gun. Trying to ignore her heart, which felt as if it would burst out of her ribcage, she boldly moved to hopefully help Lee and Francine.

As she moved to get behind O'Keefe and Francine where she couldn't be seen, she hear Lee try to bluff is way out by claiming the place was surrounded. Amanda might have found some humor in that idea if only her mind could focus on something aside from the dread of the gun in her hand and what she might be forced to do with it.

As she came up to the fence, she knew Lee had to have seen her, but she couldn't look directly at him. She might lose her nerve. Bringing the pistol up in both hands, she leveled it at O'Keefe's back. Remembering the training that morning, she froze. What if she missed? He'd shoot Lee. If possible, that idea made her heart beat even harder. Instead, she looked up to the ceiling where she saw a pulley. She aimed as best as she thought she could, closed her eyes, and pulled the trigger. If nothing else, the shot might distract O'Keefe long enough for Lee to disarm him.

Fortunately, she hit the pulley and the net fell onto O'Keefe, surprising him enough to enable Lee to jump down, knock the hand out of his gun and knock him out. Then he and Francine came to talk to her through the fence separating them.

"Amanda, that was great shooting," Francine complimented.

But Lee was not so easily appeased.

"Why didn't you just take O'Keefe out?" he said angrily.

"Well, Lee," Amanda explained. "I probably would have missed him. And if I didn't shoot him, then he probably would shoot you." And I don't ever want to see you shot again, was left unsaid for more reasons than just Francine standing there with them.

"Amanda," Lee said, and she could tell her explanation did nothing to appease him by his increasingly angry voice. "If you didn't think you could get him, what makes you think you could get the pulley?"

She was too stressed to think up anything much better than the truth.

"Well, I just aimed for the broad side of the building and hoped for the best."

She could tell by his expression that Lee was disappointed and angry. Amanda just held out Francine's gun by its barrel. The agent walked around and took it, giving her a strange look Amanda wasn't sure about. She couldn't tell if the woman was amazed or disgusted. Amanda didn't suppose it mattered, really. Lee had not come one step closer to her. She knew he would probably give her some lecture about it later.

But later never came. Billy came in with the back-up shortly after that. Amanda drove down to the Agency and gave her formal statement and was debriefed. Lee, she was told, was questioning the suspects, so she decided it was best to go home and perhaps get a good night's sleep before having to hear any of Lee's other thoughts on her performance this evening.

* * *

A few hours later, Amanda was sitting on the sofa in the den, nursing a hot cup of cocoa when her mother came downstairs. Dotty poured herself a mug of the hot cocoa and came to sit at the other end of the sofa from Amanda.

"Mother," Amanda said.

"Yes, dear."

"Why would someone lie about something really unimportant?" Amanda asked.

"Oh, I don't know why anyone lies about anything, Amanda," her mother said. "Why? Who's been lying to you? It's not one of the boys. Oh, it would be just awful if they started that habit. You know, Amanda, I always say that truthfulness is one of the most important traits a person can have."

Finally Dotty stopped to take a breath and a sip of her cocoa.

"No, Mother," Amanda assured. "It's not one of the boys."

"So what is this about?"

"My friend at work," Amanda said.

Her mother thought for a moment.

"Oh, the one you said was making bad decisions," she said finally.

Amanda nodded.

"He lied about something that was really unimportant," Amanda explained. "And it was something that was going to be found out eventually. So I just don't understand."

"Maybe he was afraid?" her mother ventured. "I think most people lie when they are afraid of something or someone."

Amanda thought on that while her mother looked at her.

"What did he lie about?" she asked.

"A woman," Amanda said absently, not thinking before she spoke. By the time she realized what she'd said, it was too late to take it back.

"Someone he's seeing?"

Amanda nodded again.

"Who did he lie to?"

"Everyone," Amanda told her. "Everyone at the office. Even our boss."

Dotty furrowed her brow as she thought.

"It seems odd to lie about someone you are seeing to your boss," she observed. "What difference would it make."

"I know," Amanda said, a sadness creeping into her voice.

"Amanda," Dotty said softly as she reached across the sofa and put a hand on her daughter's knee. "Are you sure there is nothing between you and this man at the office?"

Amanda didn't even react. She just shook her head.

"No, there's definitely nothing going on between us."

Dotty looked at her thoughtfully for a few moments before going on.

"Maybe there's someone at the office he's involved with and he didn't want her to know."

Amanda sighed.

"I suppose that could be it," she said. Then she quietly finished her cocoa.

When she was finished she stood to take her mug to the sink and washed it out absentmindedly while she stared wistfully out the window. After placing the mug in the dish drain, she bid her mother goodnight and slowly climbed the stairs to her room.

If Lee was finished at the Agency, he would have gone back to his apartment, and, Amanda sighed deeply, Leslie. Nice, normal, high security clearance, world traveling Leslie. As she readied for bed, Amanda couldn't help but think about Lee and his new girlfriend. Leslie was a nice woman, and Amanda needed to be glad for Lee. He was her friend, her best friend, and she was acting like the jilted lover. She had no right to that title. But Lee did have a right to happiness and if he thought Leslie would make him happy, Amanda should support that. But she couldn't shake the feeling that Lee wasn't really happy with Leslie. The whole week he had been more miserable than she had ever seen him. If Leslie was as perfect for him as he claimed, why had he tried to hide her existence from everyone at the office by lying? As she crawled under the covers, Amanda hoped that Lee would either open up to her finally, or she could find a way to help him.

**Next: The long-awaited break-up chapter. :) Sad that we are all so happy about that. hehe.**


	11. Chapter 11--The End of the Affair

**A/N: Finally a chance for a brief update. One thing before you read on, as I thought more and more about how Lee tried to "replicate" Amanda, I realized he probably would have tried to find someone with a similar personality since that's what had won him over in the first place. With that in mind, I hope you find this was worth the wait. **

Leslie sat, ramrod, in the black leather chair next to the sofa. She was angry. She should be angry. She had every right to be angry. However, when she looked at the man sitting on the sofa, head in his hands, she found it difficult to feel much more than pity and her posture began to soften. He looked, Leslie searched for the right word but could come up with nothing better than 'broken.' Lee looked like a broken man. And from the story he had just shared, she could understand why.

Lee had told her more than he had probably ever told another person. Leslie had been priest to Lee's confessor and, with that act, she was certain things between them were forever over. There was no argument she could make, no mercy she could beg; there was only the pain of the loss of something that now seemed obviously never meant to be. In the weeks to come she would have time to work through her emotions, but for now she didn't feel right slamming out the door and leaving the man she claimed to care for in his present state. Taking a steadying breath, she plunged in to what was murky water at best.

"How can you be sure Amanda could never have the same feelings for you?"

Lee looked up quickly, as if startled to learn she was still here with him. Leslie watched as her question registered on his face and waited patiently for his reply.

After a few moments, Lee shook his head emphatically, then stood up and began to pace behind the sofa.

"Didn't you listen to a word I said?" He asked, a hard edge to his voice.

"I heard what you said," she returned, her voice calm. Leslie had been a translator in negotiations for far more serious matters than affairs of the heart, she understood how to calm down a tense situation. Still, she was aware she had to tread lightly on this territory with which Lee was entirely unfamiliar.

"I also heard what you didn't say," she told him, issuing the challenge in, she hoped, an unthreatening way.

Lee gave her a bewildered look that only served to lessen her tension and make her desire to help him that much greater. The man really had no notion what he was doing, nor, despite his renowned reputation with the ladies, anything about a real woman.

"You said you'd taken her out once or twice."

Lee nodded and Leslie tried hard not to give a little laugh at the look on his face. She doubted he had ever been so confused in his life.

"Were they official dates, or did you just go out as friends?"

Lee stared for a moment, then he seemed to think about it.

"I," he started to answer, but stopped and thought some more before continuing.

"I don't really know which..." Lee shrugged, as his voice trailed off.

For a minute he appeared lost in thought again, but then he shook that off and returned to his pacing.

"What does it matter, anyway?" he groused.

Leslie tried to ignore the irony of giving relationship advice to her now ex-boyfriend.

"If you don't know which it was, then how can Amanda? And if Amanda doesn't know, how can she make a decision as to whether she wants more with you?"

Leslie wasn't surprised when she saw Lee shift into a defensive posture but she _was_ surprised at his defense.

"No one like Amanda could ever want that with me," Lee was emphatic, as if his statement made it truth.

From his generalization, Leslie knew that the direct approach would only land the two of them in a circular argument that would necessarily end in anger and frustration. She decided on a back door approach, one she hoped would make him think beyond his doubts.

"_I_ wanted more with you," she stated quietly.

Lee's reaction was immediate. He came quickly and sat down on the sofa beside her chair. His face registering regret and sorrow.

"Leslie," he said earnestly. "I swear, I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," she smiled slightly as she felt her throat tighten with emotion. "But, Lee, don't you see what you were doing?"

Leslie could. She could see in his eyes the painful truth, the conclusion she had come to herself while he had been out. He wanted something with Amanda. Saying her name, the lackluster reaction to the dress he had bought Leslie, Lee's reaction to her meeting Amanda, and Leslie felt that if she bothered to think back throughout the week she would find more signs that all pointed to the fact that Lee's feelings for Amanda were much stronger feelings than what Leslie even felt for Lee. But she could see by Lee's reaction that he certainly did not know.

"You were trying to create with me what you want with Amanda," she said, and smiled sadly at the look that overtook his face. The man really had no idea.

"No," Lee started, but Leslie leaned over and put her fingers over his lips to stop his denials. They were a pointless waste of time by now.

"Why did you buy me that dress?"

Lee's reaction could have been considered comical and Leslie couldn't help but finally allow herself one small laugh as he sputtered while trying to come up with a defense. She shook her head.

"From what you've told me tonight about Amanda, I am flattered that I was the one you thought of when you wanted to create the kind of relationship you desire with her, but thought, though I believe you're wrong, you couldn't have."

Leslie allowed her words to sink in for a moment before continuing.

"I think you're wrong because I knew of your reputation before you asked me out, but I still said, 'yes.'"

Lee offered her a puzzled look before asking the obvious question, "Then, why'd you say, 'yes?'"

"Because of the night we met," she smiled.

"I don't understand," Lee replied.

"After we talked, my friends wanted to know if I was going back to your hotel with you," Leslie said. "They told me you were quite the Casanova and were surprised you weren't just interested in adding me to your little black book."

Leslie laughed lightly but her laughter was stopped by the look of pain that briefly flashed in Lee's eyes.

"The point is, it seemed obvious to me that you had changed, and I really didn't know you," she said. "How much more obvious must it be to Amanda?"

Before he could restart the argument, as his look told her he would, Leslie stood and began to gather up her things.

As she walked toward the door she said, "You will never know unless you ask her."

She turned at the door and stared at him as he stood across the room. She knew what was at stake for him. And from the look in his eyes, Leslie knew Lee did as well. Could he risk ruining the one thing, the only thing, he had valued in his life since his parents' death, his friendship with Amanda, for the chance at something more?

"Just ask her out," Leslie told him. "I doubt she'll say, "no."

She hesitated a moment before adding, "And if I'm wrong, and in a year there is nothing more between you and Amanda than friendship, you can call me again. If I'm still available, we'll go for a drink and see where it leads us."

Leslie had to bite her cheek at the hopeful look on Lee's face and turn quickly to go out the door before an unpreventable tear rolled down her face. She knew she would not hear from Lee again but hoped that the challenge would be enough of an impetus to get Lee to do what Leslie knew would bring him what he truly wanted.

Downstairs she had the doorman call a taxi for her and refused his offer to wait inside the warm lobby before it came. The cold air seemed to steel her resolve and help her fight off the self-pity she was beginning to feel since she'd left Lee's apartment. She turned her thoughts to what Lee had told her and began to realize that, despite what so many of her older relatives told her, she had a perfectly good life, even without "a man." She had her parents and her siblings, good friends, and a job that gave her opportunities that most people never even bothered to dream because they were so far out of reach.

What did Lee have? His parents had died when he was barely more than a baby. His uncle was so stereo-typical "military guy" that Leslie would have thought him a caricature if she had not met many men exactly like him through her work. His job was so secret she still wasn't entirely sure what he did, further cutting him off from the company of others. No, if anyone deserved pity, it was Lee. And if anyone deserved happiness and the one thing he wanted more than anything, it was definitely Lee. As the cab pulled up and she stepped into the warmth, Leslie couldn't help but hope, even through her pain, the best for him.

**And there you have it. Thanks again for all the comments and follows and faves, all in spite of my absence. My goal is to finish before the end of the month but it's so difficult to be creative when I'm so darned busy. :/ Respectful reviews are always welcome. :)**


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